The Start of Christmas

Today was a good day just for making it through it. For Jess, Christmas always started the day after Thanksgiving. Today was the day I would normally take all the Christmas stuff down from the attic with Katelyn. Then Jess would spend several hours doing the tree. Often she would ask me to help with the tree which I would gladly do. Then she would redo all my branches to make sure they were spread out and rehang all the ornaments I had put up to make sure they were placed in the best possible spot. Well, I was really, really dreading today as everything about today reminds me of Jess. Katelyn was off at the movies with friends, but the Christmas stuff is stored in the shed now so no problems getting it out. Jadyn and Bryn had a wonderful time decorating the tree and putting out Christmas stuff. Other than feeling a little nauseous as I put up the tree (no, I'm not making this up) it really turned into a pretty decent day. Usually when it comes to a day like this I depend on my friends to help me get through it, but for the first time I did pretty good on my own with the Yikes. I even went Christmas shopping late tonight. I do still have one problem. Thanks to gift bags I no longer feel embarrassed when presenting a poorly wrapped present for a birthday gift. However, with Christmas presents gift bags are not going to be the solution for my awful wrapping skills. I know with certainty that if I put gift bags under the tree my kiddos will know what their presents are before Christmas comes. Right now I can think of only two solutions: put an alarm on each present to deter peeking or be OK with my kids' presents looking deformed like Quasimodo.

Happy Thanksgiving

My Thanksgiving began when Bryn crawled into bed with me early this morning. That's not an unusual way to start my day. However, then she said "my stomach hurts." Then I found out why as she began to throw up everywhere. It could have been a bad day. After all Thanksgiving is just as much about eating as it is giving thanks. However, Jadyn and Katelyn had a great time celebrating Thanksgiving with our family at large and I had a nice time with Bryn at home. The best part of my day was doing thank you cards with her. She helped put the postage stamps on and handed me envelopes so I could stamp with our address stamp. Jessica's dad came by later to drop off traditional Thanksgiving stuff for Bryn and I which I ate and Bryn slept instead. This Thanksgiving may not have been about eating for Bryn and I but it's pretty cool that ended up being a day of giving thanks.

One year Jess and I handed out Thanksgiving dinners at Mission Arlington (a place for the down-and-out for those of you not from here). It was a lot of fun because it involved our whole family got to do it.

The Secret in the Closet

I found out today that the reason Katelyn's room was clean was that her closet was not. Her closet wasn't so much a storage area as a secret overflow for clutter. It's 10:45 and she's still cleaning it. On the plus side Katelyn has discovered she has thirteen pair of jeans.

I am looking forward to being with family tomorrow. I don't think it will feel exactly like Thanksgiving has in the past, but as a friend of mine said we are going to be living in a "new normal."

Girl Names

It was hard for today not to be a great day for the girls. To start with Jadyn and Bryn's classes gave them each a Build-a-Bear with a message said by all the other students in their classes along with a gift basket for our whole family. This time both Bryn and Jadyn had a great time in after school care. Then one of their great friends got to come home with them for a little bit to play. Katelyn got "kidnapped" by one of her friends to go spend the night. Actually Katelyn asked first, but I cracked up when her friend Kim actually played the outlaw when she showed up at our house complete with bandana. As for me I felt good this week in class-- I definitely felt more like a teacher whereas last week I felt like a lot of the time I was just going through the motions. I love teaching and I am so glad when my kids can get the best me-- not the one who is thinking of a zillion other things instead of focusing on them.

One of the years I taught preschool-- I had a cute girl named Jadyn in my class. Years later when it came time to name our second girl, Jess loved the idea of naming her with an uncommon name that I had a great association with and Jadyn seemed a great fit. All that was missing was a middle name, and we let Katelyn pick it out: she picked "Rose" and we both thought "Jadyn Rose" was a delightful combination. We now had a precedent of "yn" at the end of our girl names, but luckily Jess had a fabulous eleventh grader named "Bryn' the year before. "Isabell" for a middle name was harder for us to find but once we heard "Bryn Isabell" we were set.

First Day in After School Care

Sorry I forgot to hit "publish post" before going to bed last night, so the post before this one is really from yesterday.

Today was the first day for Bryn and Jadyn to go to after-school care. Bryn really liked it. Jadyn said she did at first, but then she didn't like it. She asked me if she could stop going, but my thought is it was just the first day and Jadyn takes awhile to warm up to new things. She, like me, also wears her emotions on her sleeve, so while she was upset about going today it might go great tomorrow.

I am looking forward to the break after tomorrow. I plan to spend it with friends and family and perhaps take the Yikes to the zoo one day. Katelyn is planning to go with her friends to see Twilight tomorrow night. She is actually almost done with the book even though she just started reading it. I may be the only guy ever to read the series but it's cool now that Katelyn and I have one more thing to talk about now. It's good because there was no way I was going to read the other girly stuff she reads but werewolves and vampires I can handle.

Jess was an avid reader. The last book we read together was the Last Lecture. It was pretty cool because we alternated chapters with her reading most of it while
I would drive her to doctor appointments. I think in a way this blog has become a Last Lecture for us: we have written it for other people but eventually our kids will be able to read it and know their mom in a way they couldn't have know her before. They will learn about the impact she had and how many people loved her.

Importance of Family

The nice thing about going to a Lake house in the middle of November is that it's nice and peaceful. That's not the first thought I had though; my first thought was this would probably be more fun in the summer. The truth is that I think my whole family needed just what this weekend provided: time away from the rest of the world. I also think it's really cool that everyone is totally comfortable with talking about Jess-- I think the part of her that everyone misses the most is how she was a good friend to us.

Possum Kingdom

Bryn cried three quarters of a soccer game but played a fine job of goalie in the fourth. The most impressive thing to me was the other parents that tried to comfort her. It was a bitterly cold day more suited for football games and hot chocolate.
We are out in Possum Kingdom tonight (for those of you not in Texas I am not making this town's name up) hanging out with our extended family. It's too cold to go out on the lake but nevertheless its been great hanging out with family. . The most exciting thing for the girls has been the deer that let yopu come so clode you can almost touch them.

First Date

Katelyn went on her first date tonight. Even though they went with a group of friends I was still a little bit nervous but I also felt proud of her for saying "yes" to the right guy. I and my shot-gun cleaning buddies will still need to get to know him better, but he has done the right thing by being a good friend to her first.

I feel like "Missing You" by Hawk Nelson was written about Jessica after listening to it. Thanks Taylor for telling me about it. I once put a CD together for Jessica with songs that reminded me of her. A song on that CD became a favorite of ours: "We Belong Together (Tarzan and Jane)" by Stephen Curtis Chapman.

Days are still going great: God has put so many wonderful people in my life that are fun to be with that I find myself smiling and laughing all the time. Nights are still horrible: I'm sleeping 4-6 hours a night. Bryn has had nightmares the last few nights. Her favorite thing to do now before she goes to bed is for me to give her two choices to dream about. Last night I told her to dream about unicorns or playing soccer. Tonight I told her to pick eating ice cream or playing soccer. She pointed out that playing soccer was a repeat from the night before so she made me suggest something else.

I am honored to have you read our blog tonight. Please pray for us but pray for my girls first.

An Early Thanksgiving Feast

When I let Jadyn read the blog comments tonight, she told me that the reason that people left comments is that they found out how sweet she was because I wrote about her. Then she said in a super excited voice, "Why don't you write about Bryn!" I think that's so sweet because I don't think she realizes that I write about the Yikes and Katelyn all the time.

I'm still not sleeping well at night but I slept soundly enough in the early morning to be surprised when I woke up. I found Bryn curled up with me. She had come into my room after she had experienced some bad dreams.

Today was the one day in a year I eat from the school cafeteria. The week before Thanksgiving the cafeteria always serves up turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, etc. I usually eat with my teacher friends but today I ate with some of my students. The only bad thing was that they were too good at conversation: it was time to go before I finished my food.

One of the things Jess and I liked to do together in North Richland Hills was ride our bikes. There are lots of bike paths there-- unlike here in Arlington. I think my favorite bike ride is when we rode all the way to where she was teaching at Richland High School.

Taking Breaths

Jadyn was super excited about the comments left for her and amazed by the rose made with keyboard keys.

Days of the week don't normally matter to me, but it mattered today. Jess passed away on Wednesday three weeks ago. Aunt Jaque keeps telling me something that seems simple, but it helps: breathe. Every time she does I find myself letting go of the breath I'm holding and then moving forward.

When we lived in an apartment, we lived upstairs from the Taylors. What makes that remarkable was that the wife's name was Jessica but no the husband's first name wasn't Jacob. We actually got to know them pretty well because we were constantly getting her mail addressed to Jessica Taylor and they got my Jessica's.

A Warm Welcome Back

Yesterday I got a hero's welcome on my first day back at Young Junior High. It felt really good to be missed so much by teachers, staff, and students. I even got a welcome back song sung to me by one of the math teachers (thanks Nancy). I am definitely not "back in the swing of things," but it feels great to know that I will be supported and loved while I get there.

Before Jadyn came went to bed tonight she said she wanted me to mention her on the blog. I guess I never thought about it before but she has tons of people telling her that they read something about her on the blog. She has been both super sweet lately and super sensitive, so please continue to pray for her.

Jessica's favorite video game was Ms. Pacman. She never quite understood why I would want to spend lots of time playing a video or computer game, but she definitely had a weakness for Ms. Pacman. I'm not sure why really since she didn't even really like the regular Pacman. She also pointed out something to me about the ghosts that I never noticed. First of all she knew all their names (why not just call them things like the blue guy?) but more importantly she recognized that each one had different tendencies and speeds. I eventually bought one of those plug and play units for the tv that had Ms. Pacman and some other classics on it. She especially liked challenging me to play her; I think mostly because she won most of the time.

Pick a Side

One of the things that has really helped me is going to Gilda's Club. There are lots of several groups at Gilda's Club but the one I have been going to for friends and family members of someone with cancer. There is nothing magical about it: it's just a group of people talking about our struggles and triumphs, but on the other hand having a group of people that share in your griefs and achievements just as they are going through the same thing is exactly what make it so special. The people in the group and I share a special bond and the coordinator for the group, Ellie, is phenomenal. When I lost Jess I didn't know I could still go to the group since there is a different group for those that have lost a friend or family member to cancer. I recently talked to Ellie on the phone and she let me know that I was more than welcome to still go to the same group. I don't know how more times I will go, but I felt it was really important that I go tonight. I was so glad I did-- seeing this remarkable bunch of people was exactly what I needed tonight.

I come from a family of very little sides. Whenever my mom would make a meal, there sometimes might be a side of vegetables but most of the time it was just the main dish. However, whenever I made the main dish, Jess always wanted to add a side. Even though she began preparing these herself it was still annoying; "Why do we need a side I thought?" However, I came to realize that it was her way of coming along beside me and adding value to our meal. I have trouble letting go of doing things that I do my way when it is good, but when it became our way it became better.

Be Still

We went to church in the morning and Sunday school. It wasn't the subject of the sermon but God definitely wanted me to pay attention to Psalm 46:10 which is "Be Still and Know that I am God." Lately my mind has not been still-- especially at night when it takes a long time for it to slow down enough for me to go to sleep. Practically, being still for me means letting myself relax and not trying to fill up down time. After church Jadyn had her last soccer game followed by her end of the year soccer party. The families of the girls on her team have become very much my family. Not only are they fun people to be around they have been a tremendous support to us. We finished the night at a friend's house where we have been studying The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel which is a terrific book. We got through a busy weekend and had fun but I'm looking forward to a calmer one. I go back to work tomorrow which I am a bit nervous about since I haven't been there in a while, but luckily I have awesome students that I get along great with.

I have a silly memory tonight about Jess. I have no idea why I did this other than to be goofy but one time I put my mouth over her eye and created suction on it. "Stop," she said, "You're going to get my eye infected." "No," I said "you can't get an infection from sucking someone's eye." Just in case you were thinking about sucking someone's eye in the future, don't because Jess was right.

Busy Like a Bee

Today Katelyn had a basketball tournament in the morning and a dance and a sleep-over tonight, Bryn had a soccer game and an end of the season soccer party, the Yikes had a skating birthday party, and I had an indoor soccer game. I got Katelyn and her friend Kim off to the basketball tournament this morning, but Bryn had a major melt-down. We couldn't find the soccer shorts that went with her uniform and she didn't want to wear any other shorts. Her melt-downs are not explosive: she simply stops talking and refuses to move. She very much reminds me of a stubborn turtle that has retreated inside her shell. The rest of the day went well though except for my soccer game. Our goalkeeper from last season can't play this season so I played keeper. I actually really enjoyed playing it because its an exciting position but I got scored on a lot and we lost. All and all it was a good day but we have another busy day tomorrow.

When Jess and I first got married we went out to eat a lot but when it came to eating at home I did the cooking. I think she would have picked up on it faster but I don't always measure or set timers to see how long things take to cook. Even if it was something simple like spaghetti Jess would want to know how long to put the noodles in for and I would try to tell her what they look like when they're done. However, she learned to cook when she started to stay home when Jadyn was born. Her exact measurements and timings lead to her being a better cook than I was. She loved trying out new recipes and rarely made the same thing twice. I think the only thing I've ever made only once was alphabet salad that my sister Sarah and I attempted to make when we were kids. We tried to find a food item for every letter of the alphabet and mixed it all together. Needless to say we would have been better off if we had limited it to less letters.

Start of a Busy Weekend

Today was my last day off work and the start to a busy weekend. Lots of stuff is going on plus end of the year soccer parties. Tonight Katelyn went to a basketball tournament, Bryn went with a friend to McDonald's, and I took Jadyn out to Cracker Barrel. I signed up Jadyn and Bryn to do after school care starting the week of Thanksgiving. I took them by earlier this week to make sure they were comfortable going and felt like they would have fun there. Jadyn was Ms. Popularity already when we stopped by and Bryn I'm sure will make a friend or two quickly.

I saw the new Cowboy stadium while driving around and it made me think of memory of Jess and I. Sometimes when we would go out on a date we would just randomly drive around until we found something. This one night we drove by the stadium only to see it moments later again. I tried getting on another road but there are a bazillion different roads that go by the stadium and somehow I kept getting on the wrong ones. We ended up just going home but we laughed quite a bit at the stadium that kept looming up in the front windshield.

Jessica's Video from the Funeral (thank you Mandy)

Foreign Languages

Bryn came in just a second ago and asked to go to bed. It's the Yikes bedtime but I was starting to get worried until I told Jadyn it was time for bed. She responded with "But daddy!" so I think the kids must be alright after all. They should be worn out though because I took them to a park for about two hours tonight. My friend Kyle lost his first wife right before Jessica was diagnosed. Tonight our two families got together for pizza and playing in the park. His two daughters are the same age as Jadyn and Bryn but I wasn't sure if they would play well together (they've met before but it's been a long time). One of his daughters asked my girls right away when their mom died. I don't think I would have handled a question that fast well, but for my girls I think it was a good connecting point and they shared right away. We all had a great time together.

One of the books that changed Jess and my marriage was The Five Love Languages. There are five specific ways to love people but everyone has a favorite. Jessica's favorite was what the author calls "Words of Affirmation" but he could have more simply said compliments. Mine is "Acts of Service" which is doing nice stuff for someone. We found out it's not enough to "do onto others as you would do onto yourself;" instead it's better to put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to "speak" their love language. By the way it also made a difference in how we love our kids.

Lots of Fews

Jadyn invented a new word: fews. It means a lot of something which is exactly what you would have if you had the plural of a few of something. I have been asking God for help in a few things. My thinking was that God can help me provide for my girls. I had it flipped though because it is God is providing for my girls and I am only helping. There is no other way to explain the outpouring of love that has been show us. OK there are other explanations but they would just been plain wrong.

Speaking of turning a few into fews, this weekend over 3500 people raised 8 million dollars towards reaching a cure for cancer.

Tonight I thought I'd share a story from my childhood that brought me the same feeling as I'm feeling right now. Christmas was approaching and we were traveling on the road. The main thought on my mind was "How is Santa going to get into the roof of our VW bus to give us presents?" I also remember my sister and I being cold and hungry so I'm sure our parents were too. On Christmas Eve my dad stopped at a motel to ask if we could use a shower there. I can't remember if the manager did or not. What I do remember is him inviting us to join his family for Christmas Eve dinner. I remember feeling warm and full. He even let us play some of the video games in the lobby for free. Christmas did come the next day (I suppose Santa made it up the exhaust pipe) but truly we had gotten to open up a present early.

Half Full

On the way to a friends' house tonight-- Jadyn looked over at the fuel gauge and in the mathematical way she has (which is foreign to me) said that the gauge was half-full. Actually she said, "Wow, dad you you're fuel is half full. That's great right dad?" She's going to grow up to be an awful lot like her momma.

I hadn't realized until today that Natalie had posted about Jess on Nov. 2nd on her blog it's: http://www.daviddickeyfamily.blogspot.com/

I am going back to work next week. Originally, I was thinking about this week but things have been harder than expected in some ways. Several people have made the comment that I have been feeling: life keeps moving. I still have a few things to get done this week (like take Jessa's will to a lawyer), but I am also figuring out how to be a single parent too. I know my kids miss me at school (I miss them too), but they are in great hands right now and I will be better equipped emotionally next week to teach.

A big thank you to the many people who have sent cards, done laundry, given money, brought meals, prayed for us, and have supported our family. Please also continue to think of and pray for our extended family: the Mcnutts, Moodys, etc.

Jess frequently tried to make her English class fun. She had no problem with using crayons, scissors, and paper to make things like red As for the Scarlet Letter. In particular I remember her spending hours trying to find the perfect song to tie in to her English lessons. I remember one time she couldn't decide which version of a song to choose so bought all three.

The Sunday Evening Post

I thought I would post early tonight as I have a moment despite the girls being still awake. Our family really enjoyed church today. I'm going to put this in my own words but what my sister Sarah got out of the message was that in order to truly tolerate someone you have to love them completely even though you know they've done things that are simply not right. I think she and I know each other's faults really well but we were still able to reach over and give each other a big hug because we love each other too. I am so glad she was able to stay longer with my nieces Elizabeth and Vanessa and my mom. Today they all left back to go back to Virginia (my sis) and Maryland (my mom).

Today Bryn cracked my up when she named one of her stickers. It wouldn't stick so she called it Stickless the stickless sticker.


I think one of the greatest things Jess taught me was selflessness. The first year we were married if I was thirsty I got a drink of water for myself. Jess would ask me in a voice cracking from lack of water (not really) if I wanted to ask if anyone else wanted a drink. I'm a slow learner so it took me awhile to realize the answer to that question was not "no."

50 Reasons

Last week neither of the Yikes played soccer because of the funeral. Jadyn's game was at the exact time as the funeral so one of the team moms called and canceled it. It turned out that several families from the other team were going too. Today though I had fun coaching Jadyn and her team. My team just started passing a few games ago and Jadyn is coming into her own as a defender. The coolest thing though happened after the game: the other team (a different one than the the one we would have played last week) gave me a card that they had all signed.

Today was the last day of the Three Day walk for the cure. One of Jessa's favorite memories was going to cheer on the participants last year. It is a truly special event.

I just now read Tessa's blog post on Jess. I know many of you have already read it but if you haven't its the November 4th post at http://litamamadrama.blogspot.com/ Also, today Tessa and I received a $450 check from Al Clark to go to Weekend Backpacks in honor of Jessica.

One of the neatest things Jess did for me the first year we were married was to write down on paper 50 reasons why she loved me. She said it was hard at first to come up with reasons but then she got in the flow and she came up with 56. I would say our first year of marriage was the toughest. We were both fiercely independent and naively thought that letting the other person have their way meant giving up and losing a battle. It was during those times I pulled out my list from Jessica and perhaps she pulled out mine because I made a list for her too.

Courageous Kara

Kara came over today to drop off some presents for us and I got to hear the whole story behind her speaking at Jessa's funeral. Kara had told Jess earlier that God had called her to speak to women but she was unsure if she would be good at it. The funny thing is I didn't know Jess wanted Kara to speak until a couple of days before the funeral. She had told Aunt Sandy who later remembered to tell me. I remember that Jess was scared to death to speak a part in the Christmas play at church. She didn't think she could do it but ended up doing a marvelous job. Now it was Jessa's turn to encourage Kara to speak-- even as she lay dying and could no longer speak. Speaking at Jessa's funeral provided the spark Kara needed; I'm super excited for her because she is now going to speak at a woman's function in December.


Here's what Kara said:
1 John 3:16 says “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ lay down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.”



I remember when Derrick and I were new to Lake Arlington, I kept hearing about this couple “the Kaylor’s”. I heard about how neat of a couple they were. I heard how they taught preschool Sunday school, and had started out with their Sunday school kids when they were babies and moved up with them each year. I had a 2 year old and a baby then. That was pretty impressive to me. It sounded to me that they were not just laying down their lives for those preschoolers, they were risking their lives.



I wanted to meet these “Kaylor’s”. Derrick and I signed up to help watch the preschoolers during worship. As God would have it, the class we helped in was the Kaylor’s class. I remember meeting Jake then as we would switch responsibility for those preschoolers and wondering where was this Jessica.



One day I was walking down the hallway, and I saw this beautiful woman with a maternity sweater I was quite familiar with. I had that very same black and red striped sweater from my favorite store, Target. Jess, who was pregnant with Bryn, was wearing that striped sweater. I knew then that any woman who fancied Target would be a friend of mine.



Shortly after, I officially met Jess at the baby shower that our Sunday school class had for her, myself, and one other new mom. I cannot recall from there a time that I did not know or love Jess.



I could go for days listing all the things I love about Jess. She embodied an extraordinary faith, bold courage, confident hope, supernatural patience, and perfect peace. What I admire most is out of a heart surrendered to her Savior, she served.



I remember one of our Wednesday lunches at ChickfilA after BSF. Jess and Bryn had been invited to a friend’s house to see her new furniture. Bryn apparently wasn’t as excited about the new furniture as the rest of us were, she just wanted to spend some time with her mom. Jess politely said that she and Bryn were going to go home so they could rest together but that she’d love to come over and see the furniture another time.



I remember thinking it seemed so simple, but was such a selfless act of love. For Jess, thinking of others above herself was the norm, not an accomplishment.



One of my favorite Bible stories is in John 13. “It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love…so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.”



What I love about this story is that Jesus knew his time on earth was short. The cross was before Him. Jesus loved his own so very much. He was thinking of them, not what tomorrow held for Him. Jesus showed them the full extent of his love. How? Washing their feet. The King of Kings washed the disciples dirt-stained, calloused, wayward feet. This was not the job of the Master, it was the job of the slave. It was an act of humble service. It met a need. It had nothing to do with Him. It had all to do with them.



As Jesus served, Jess served. She did the not so glamorous job of changing diapers as a preschool Sunday school teacher. That is humble service.



She spend countless hours organizing, packing food, and delivering backpacks to schools for kids whose families struggled to provide food. It met an amazing need.



This past summer, Jake wheeled her upstairs into room 221 to help with purple crafts at VBS. It wasn’t about her comfort or ease. It was all about the kids that came to do cool crafts and hear about Jesus.



Tuesday mornings this Fall a group of us has met at Jess’ house for Bible study. During a visit with Jess while she was in the hospital, she asked me if we had met at her house for Bible study that week. I said no, we had decided not to. She went on to say that we should have gone ahead and met. One of the girls had a key and she could let us in. The following Tuesday, though Jess rested at the hospital, we received once again, the gift of her selflessness as we met in her home for our weekly Bible study. Even after Jess came home for those final days of her time here with us, she extended the invitation for Bible study at her house.



Doesn’t that sound just like Jess? Always thinking of others more than herself. It is also just like Jesus.



Like Jesus, Jess’ time on earth was short. How pleased our servant Jesus is with His servant Jess. She lived showing the full extent of her love. She served, having nothing to do with herself, but all to do with everyone else. Listen, can you hear the Master say, “Well done, Jess, my good and faithful servant.”

Note Writing

Jadyn and I have started writing notes. Unlike Katelyn and Bryn she hasn't said anything about missing her mommy. In fact she has been completely close-mouthed about her feelings. Jadyn has just started reading so she was super excited when I wrote her a question asking how she was feeling. She wrote down a response super quick and couldn't wait to show me. I am so glad she has decided to open up and "talk" about what I knew she was feeling. It's the same with God and me, He already knows what I'm feeling but it's not so much a fact gathering mission-- its about strengthening our relationship. It's my prayer that I will be able to continue reaching all of my girls so that we grow closer together.

Jadyn has a favorite balloon from her birthday. It's pretty big, has a pink boa around its border, and says "Happy Birthday" in big letters. Today Jadyn called it her Happy Balloon-- which I thought was too cute.

The first purchase Jess and I made together was a leather couch. We went to Rent-a-Own store not to rent a new one, but to purchase one that someone had used and then returned. They had a pretty good price already on the couch (which isn't surprising considering the quality of stuff at places like that) but Jess and I haggled over the price with the sales man. We didn't like the price so we came back later and haggled but left because we still thought it be cheaper. Finally he ended up selling it to us for $135. Even though it wasn't a great couch, it was special because we bought it together. I also have a favorite memory of Katelyn on that couch. She would stand on one end of the couch and then totally without fear and hands by her sides would fall face first into the couch. She would laugh and then do it again and again.

From Box to Albums

I and a few friends sorted photos today. We don't have photo albums we just have a box of photos. It's really important to me that Katelyn remember and the Yikes know how Jessica was before cancer. That urge is what lead me to sort pictures to be put in albums. It was actually pretty cool because it ended up reminding me of a lot of memories of Jess and the girls. I also got to spend a lot of time with my sister Sarah and her girls, Vanessa and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is just a baby and so she has been fine with me holding her; however, today was the first day that two year old Vanessa truly felt comfortable around me. I have really enjoyed getting to know her.

When Jess and I got married we moved into a two bedroom apartment in North Richland Hills. Jess had gotten a job teaching at Richland High School and it was only about an hour away from the University of North Texas where I had just enrolled to get a Masters in Secondary Education. The first thing I learned about married life is that my guy stuff was not going to have any part in the decoration of our apartment. The only thing Jess let me hang up was a drawing of a duck. It was a gift from one of the campers that I had a counselor at a camp during one of my summers off from college. His mom had drawn it herself and they had made a special trip out to the camp just to present it to me. The truth is though Jess only let me hang it up in the closet. The difference between a bachelor apartment and a married couple apartment is that the bachelor one is just a place to stay while the married one is a home. Jess had a knack for making our place a home.

Jadyn with Bryn and friend Evelyn as Scarecrows

More Cards than Junk Mail

Today was the third day in a row that the kids and I have gotten more cards than junk mail, and we get a lot of junk mail. I very much appreciate the kindness that continues to rain down on our family.

A lot of people have been asking how we're doing. Sometimes people are just making conversation and if so the answer is we're doing OK. The real answer is that we are each hurting. Bryn is sad. She tells me that she misses mommy and wants to do the things with her that she used to do. She wants Jess to do her hair. She wants to tell her that she got to be the line leader or the caboose at school. She wants to give her pictures that she's drawn. Jadyn is mad. She gives up on games if she's not winning. She slams doors. She says she won't do things like cleaning her room. Katelyn and I are in a similar state. One minute we're seemingly doing well and the next we're walking around in a daze. Like me she has been forgetful. Today she told me that a friend of hers came by while I coached Jadyn at soccer practice, but I was here. I signed our family up for the Warm Place which provides grief support for families. Apparently it takes kids two months before they are able to process things, so we have an introductory meeting in late January.

Originally Jess and I had planned to leave for our Honeymoon right after the wedding. However, we had to take care of my Eclipse first by having it towed to a repair shop. Then we drove the new, but now battered Mirage to San Antonio. If you're wondering why we drove Mitsubishi cars its because I was a nanny that year for a guy that was a manager at a Mitsubishi dealership. Anyway, that year ice storms hit and while it slowed us down many of our family that drove had trouble getting back home.

Other People Said it Better

Right before the wedding Melody, the singer we had lined up, got a sore throat and couldn't sing as loud as she needed too. It turned out even better because to make up the volume she got her daughter to sing with her. Check out her daughter's blog and her post on October 30th: http://gloriousgrace.blogspot.com/


Jess was a member of the Young Survivor's Coalition and went to one of their annual conferences. Because of the incredible women she met there, it was an life-changing experience for her. On their site they have a Remembrance board. Important: click on the topic Remembrance Board and then on Jessica Kaylor http://www.youngsurvival.org/bulletin-board/



This is what our dear friend Shannon said at the memorial Service:

Isaiah says “Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord we have an everlasting Rock (25:4). He will swallow up death for all time, and the Lord God will wipe tears away from all faces (25:8).

I’m not sure when I first met Jessica. I know we went to church together for about 10 years. We worked on marriage retreat committee together, did Sunday school fellowships together, and hung out at church college events where both of us were serving. I had a baby shower for Bryn at my house called a “sip and see” where we sipped punch and got to see baby Bryn. We did lunch at each others’ houses, went swimming with all our kids in the summer, did a monthly Girls’ night which we dubbed “The Birthday Bunch,” and even though there were only 6 of us we figured out how to meet every month of the year anyway. We did Bible studies together and our friendship just grew. When Jess was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2005 I remember thinking that if anyone could deal with this in a godly manner it would be Jess. Several of us friends met regularly to pray for her healing, and I never would have learned so much about our God and His Word had I not walked with Jess over these last few years. Jake and Jess joined our homegroup this last year and, I had the privilege of getting an inside peek at the challenges, fears, victories, and walk of faith that they both had. It is my privilege to share with you today a little bit about my sweet friend Jessica.


When Jake asked me to speak today I began to pray. I typically have the emotional control of a broken fire hydrant, but I really want to honor Jess as her friend. Jessica would not want us to worship her today and make her seem better than she was, but because she loved Jesus so much His work in her life is what I have to tell you about. I used the letters in her name to do an acrostic and verses that I think exemplify who Jessica was.

Psalm 21 says, “For You make us joyful with gladness in Your presence. Because we trust in the Lord, and through the loving kindness of the Most High we will not be shaken.”

So J is for Joyful. Joy is not happiness based on circumstances, but it is a choice and a discipline. Jessica’s joy was based on her relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus filled her with joy that emitted a sense of peace and trust in her Savior that circumstances couldn’t touch.

I Thessalonians 5 says, “Therefore encourage one another, and build up one another, just as you are doing.”

So E is for Encourager. Jessica was genuinely interested in what was going on in my life and the lives of her family and friends. She wrote it down to pray about, prayed about it, and then checked back in to see how things were going. The last time she was in the hospital my son, Jay, was in a football accident and was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.
As I sat there in the emergency room my cell phone rang. Jess had heard that he was hurt and called to check on him and as she put it, “just to hear my voice.” That’s the kind of friend she was. There she was in the hospital with such great pain of her own and she was calling to check on me! Oh, to be that selfless! She was a great encourager.

Exodus 15 says, ”The Lord is your strength and your song, and He has become your salvation; this is our God, and we will praise Him…”

S is for Strong. When Jess found out she had cancer she did not sit back and accept defeat. She researched her disease, talked to doctors, endured many aggressive treatments, and fought as hard as is physically and spiritually possible. She continued to go to all her kids’ sporting events and school programs. She worked hard in physical therapy to be stronger to make transferring easier after her back was broken. She endured tremendous pain without grumbling. All along the way she prayed to the Lord and testified to anyone who would listen of God’s presence and enabling in her life. In the 3½ years she had cancer I never once heard her dishonor the Lord. The Lord was her strength and her song.




I Peter 1 says, “In this you greatly rejoice, that even though now for a little while if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

This S is for Suffering. Jess did suffer…as though by fire…but she didn’t use it as an excuse to complain or wallow in self-pity. Instead she used her suffering to proclaim the glory of the Lord. Did she ever question “why?” or feel pain and anger. You bet! But she never stayed there. I remember vividly one of our girls’ weekends away when we had settled into our beds in the hotel and she opened up about the storm she was in. I’m going to finish with what she wrote in her blog about that, but she said so beautifully that this whole cancer thing was a struggle for her that she didn’t understand, but she did trust God anyway. She chose to look at her suffering with an eternal perspective. She chose to trust our Sovereign God whose understanding and ways are so far beyond the comprehension of our finite minds. And she gave Him glory and honor and praise in the midst of her suffering.

Ephesians 5 says, “Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”
I is for Imitator of Christ. What does it mean to imitate Christ? Christ was a servant. He loved people without reserve, even people who were difficult to love. He forgave without conditions. He prayed to the Father for His will to be done in His life. Jessica imitated Christ. She served faithfully…in a preschool class at church, on multiple committees, and as the coordinator and originator of the weekend backpacks for kids. She loved without reserve. People were simply drawn to her and she accepted anyone and everyone...even me. She forgave without conditions, and she prayed for God’s will to be done in her life even though that included having cancer.

Deuteronomy 31 says, “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble…for the Lord your God is the One who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”

C is for Courageous. Courage is not the absence of fear but the determination to face what causes fear. There was fear of the unknown, fear of pain, fear of leaving the ones she loved so much, fear of being forgotten. But Jess knew that she was not walking this path alone. She knew that Jesus would never fail her or forsake her. So she faced those fears and others by calling on the name of the Lord, by seeking His face, by reading His Word, and by trusting in Him. For the last few summers we have done a Bible study at my house. This year she had Jake bring her even in her wheelchair. As the summer went on she began letting friends come get her and bring her.
It took lots of courage to let friends roll her up and down the steps and get her in and out of the car, but she came and shared what God was teaching her because she was courageous.

Psalm 91 says, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. He has said to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.”

A is for Abiding. Abiding means to stand fast, to wait, or to submit to someone. Jessica did all three of those things. She chose to stand fast in her faith in God’s purpose for her life. She chose to wait on Him for strength, answers, direction and peace. I remember when she didn’t have peace about her illness. She shared with me that as she prayed peace truly came from God straight to her heart. And she chose to submit to God’s plan for her life. And now, after abiding with the Lord here for 33 years, Jess is abiding with Him in heaven and I am sure that He said to her, “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Welcome home.”

God promises in Psalm 112 that “The righteous will be remembered forever (v. 6).” I know Jessica will be remembered by each one of us as a godly woman, a faithful wife, a devoted and loving mother, and a friend who has changed my life forever. I want to end with Jessica’s own words from her blog on January 30, 2008…

Star Telegram URLs

We didn't do a lot today-- mostly hung out with our family that is still in town, which was perfect for today. All three girls go back to school tomorrow while I am not going back to work yet this week.

I wanted to share with you Jessa's obituary and an article about her both of which were in the Star Telegram. Here's Jessa's obituary: http://www.legacy.com/DFW/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=119551141
Here's the article about Jess: http://www.star-telegram.com/obituaries/story/1011883.html

On our wedding day Jess and I had an amazing mother and daughter sing songs that were precious to us. One of our family members told us one of them had posted on our blog, but I couldn't find it. Perhaps they said something on their own blog? Please post a comment if you know more about it. I did find in rereading comments over the past several days a new comment about Barbara (our minister who did our wedding). I was saddened to learn that Barbara had passed away from cancer-- I also thought that she and Jess shared the same heart for other people despite their own suffering.

Oops, I originally repeated the same story the first time I posted this. Here's a new one. Right before our wedding started, one of my groom's men said something I didn't expect to hear. We had just been told it was our time to make our entrance, when he said, "I have to go to the bathroom." When I asked him if it could wait, he told me that he was really nervous and now he had diarrhea-- and no he wasn't joking. Thankfully the music at our wedding was really good because those in attendance got to hear about ten more minutes of it covering for him.

All Saints Day

Today is All Saints Day a day that honors saints both known and unknown. Considering the life Jess led I thought it was appropriate that she was buried today.

Eric, Jason, and Carla did an amazing job today. They did a fantastic job at the graveside service and at the memorial service as well. Combined with testimonies by Bob, Kara, Shannon, and Sandy I feel like they perfectly captured Jess and her purpose here on earth. If I were to sum up Jessa's life I would say what they said: she put others first, she was special because of God, and as a result God no doubt has told her, "Well done good and faithful servant."

Today was also a hard day. About half-way through the graveside service, Bryn asked, "Is mom in there?" Jadyn was ready for the memorial service to be over long before it was. Katelyn was amazing though. At one point Jadyn told me not to put my arm around Katelyn anymore. When I said something about me wanting to keep it there, Katelyn said she thought Jadyn wanted me to put my arm around her instead and that it was OK with her. It was what Jadyn wanted. Bryn also at one point took her stuffed lamb over to a crying Ella.

After everything was done, we went over to Jessa's grandmother's house. It was pretty amazing because there was so much family there because there were a lot of family there besides the McNutts: mostly the Kaylors and Moodys. Family is so important to me. Aunt Diane already has a aunt-niece play date with Jadyn: I think they came up with about thirty things to do.

On the way to our wedding, Jess rear-ended the car in front of her. When they saw the wedding dress in the passenger seat, they apologized to Jess-- never mind that she had hit them! Fortunately the car was drive-able because if it hadn't been we wouldn't have made it to San Antonio for our honeymoon. As it was, we had to have my car towed to the shop before we left. Tomorrow I will tell you what happened to one of my groom's men the day of the wedding.

The View

Bryn had a great time at school today. She was very cute as a Scarecrow and I especially liked her singing her Scarecrow song with all of the other kindergartners. I was very proud of Jadyn; she wasn't ready to go back to school but she went with me to hear Bryn sing. Jess always went to all of the kids' functions at school whereas I just went to the most important ones. I will be at their functions as much as I can now because as someone at the Viewing pointed out I have big shoes to fill. I feel like I am missing half of myself without Jess, but need to be twice the person. I am so thankful that each of my girls has her own circle of support in addition to our extended family here. I am glad I don't have to raise them on my own and that lots of people will help me look after them.

Jadyn and I went to see Jess on our own about 2:30. I was very thankful for just the two of us to be there before anyone else got there. It was hard for her to see her mommy, but I was glad I took her at the same time realizing it would have been too hard for Bryn. I didn't take either of them to the Viewing tonight, instead the Yikes went Trick-or-Treating with our Pastor Jason and his family tonight. They had a great time but like me are exhausted. Katelyn went with me but rather than stay the whole time, she was able to leave to go a Halloween party at a friend's house.
I met three of her teachers tonight and was so impressed by them. All three of them possess a quality I can only define as "more than a teacher."

I liked talking to people at the viewing tonight because I got here what Jess meant to them and to hear brief stories about her. It amazes me how Jess has really effected our whole community and beyond. Jessa thought of herself as an ordinary person with an amazing faith but ended up being extraordinary. I also thought it was pretty cool that so many showed up in support of the members of our extended family. Before tonight I did not realize that so many of them have had great support as they journeyed with Jessica.

I heard several people telling stories about our wedding day. So much happened it will go on several posts, but tonight I will at least tell you about how I almost didn't make it. It was a bitter cold day that would soon turn into ice storms. Nick Chuquin, my best man at our wedding drove me to the wedding. I had a Mitsubishi Eclipse at the time and it started acting funny. The radio started cutting in out and then the interior lights dimmed and then went out. That's when my alternator went out and my car died on the side of the road. It was before the days of everyone having cell phones so we decided to walk to the nearest gas station to call the church. I imagined Jess sarcastically saying, "Sure, your car broke down..." We might not have made it on-time if it hadn't been for an eagle-eyed Aunt Sandy. She spotted us on the way to the church and picked us up. I made the mistake of joking that I needed to find Jessica's wedding ring because I had dropped it. It was a mistake because of the many retellings of this story, some people have come to believe I actually did drop the ring but was able to find it. Tomorrow I will tell what happened to Jessica on the way to our wedding.

Wearing Pink

Traditional funeral attire is fine for tomorrow. However, I know Jess would have approved of wearing pink (including the Journey with Jessica t-shirt). I know a lot of people have been thinking about doing this, but were unsure if it would be alright. Well, I'm giving you my permission and blessing.

The Day After

Today wasn't as bad as it could have been. I think it really helped that every step I took today someone took with me. The hardest thing today was going to the cemetery to do paper work, see the place where Jess will be buried, and pay for the burial. I felt like I had bought a plane ticket and then gotten on the wrong flight.

Katelyn had a lot of friends come and see her after they got out of school today. I loved hearing how Boles's administration, counselors, and teachers (like Coach Go) supported a grieving school.

The comments on this blog have been amazing. Despite the fact that we may have never met them or known them well, you can tell they really did know Jessica. As for those of you that face-to-face gotten to know Jessica, thank you for being inspirational and we love you!

Bryn is going to school tomorrow because she wants to dress up as a scarecrow since it's Halloween. Dressing up as scarecrows is a Wood Elementary kindergarten tradition. I am very nervous for her, but I know her teacher Mrs. Maurer will take excellent care of her.

After Jess said yes to marrying me we had to choose a minister. After a lot of discussion we chose someone that meant a lot to us, Barbara who was in charge of a ministry on the UTA campus (The Wesley for those of you who went to UTA). Unbelievably, Barbara was soon diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent chemotherapy. Even while undergoing treatment, she still chose to do our wedding. We lost touch with her, but the last I heard she was doing alright and had even gotten a big promotion.

In Lieu of Flowers

Jess started a ministry to kids in Arlington several years ago which is now called Weekend Backpacks. Kids that get free lunches at school during the weekend get a backpack filled with food on Friday and return it empty to school the next week to be filled up again. Jessa loved kids and would want money to be given to this worthy cause in lieu of flowers. You can make out checks to Weekend Backpacks and sent to Weekend Backpacks c/o Lake Arlington Baptist Church 2912 Little Rd., Arlington, TX 76016. We have also set up an educational fund for the girls. Checks made out to Kaylor Children's Education Fund can be sent to Affiliated Bank 2326 W Pleasant Ridge Rd. Arlington, TX 76015.

Times

We will receive friends from 5-8 PM Friday at Wade Funeral Home 4140 W. Pioneer Parkway in Arlington. The graveside service will be 10:30 AM Saturday at Greenwood Memorial Park in Fort Worth (it's not closed). The memorial service will be at 2PM Saturday Lake Arlington Baptist Church 2912 Little Road in Arlington.

Time

Jessa's nurse woke me up at 3:30 this morning to tell me drastic changes were happening to her breathing, pulse rate, and skin color. Our family got here before the girls woke up. I talked to Katelyn first, then Jadyn and Bryn preparing them for the day to come. Eleven and half hours later Jessa went to be with the Lord. We mourn her passing even as we envy her for getting to Jesus first. We also still celebrated Jadyn's birthday. By leaving us today, Jess made sure that our family will celebrate every year on October 29th. Jadyn opened presents. We ate cake. We played games at Chuck E. Cheese's. When Jadyn looks back on today she will not only remember a day when she cried harder and longer than she has ever cried along with her two sisters and the rest of her family, but she will also remember a day of gifts and happiness.

Jessica was determined to glorify God using her life as an example. She did this as a mother sacrificing her time. Until she was too sick to go, her three children never knew what it was like not to have a mother at their school and sporting events. She supported her kids like roots support a tree. She did this as a wife by sacrificing her need to be always right, which she usually was. Her friends and family members loved her for the beautiful person she was. Many knew God because she knew Him.

I proposed to Jess on my birthday. I wrapped up the box with the diamond ring in birthday paper. Then I packed a picnic dinner. I took Jess to River Legacy Park where we ate on a blanket. Then I opened my presents, except for one. When I asked Jess to open it she looked at me strangely. At my insistence she finally opened it. The thing was the diamond ring really was a present to me because having her as a wife for almost ten years is the most precious gift I have ever gotten.

Rose Garden

The roses started coming about noon today. Then they kept coming. I joked with someone that I didn't get the memo about the roses. Then she said, "Oh really? The memo's in my car, do you want to read it?" It turns out Teresa Cook who works with my mother-in-love Judy really did send out a memo to try and fill our house with pink roses. Her goal was to reach one hundred roses a few roses at a time. There is now a garden of roses at our house that stretches around the living room and spills into the kitchen. There are hundreds of them!

I have a few prayer points for you tonight. For my memory to be better under stress. As Bryn said this week, "My daddy has a bad rememory." For Katelyn, that she still be able to be a kid even as she has added responsibilities as the older sister. Bryn has had some anxiety leaving me lately (like when she goes to school); please pray that she not imagine anything bad happening to me too. You can pray for Jess to be peaceful and comfortable. I'm sure Jess was listening today to people talking to her but wasn't able to show it at all today. Finally, it's Jadyn's birthday tomorrow and I want her to feel like a million bucks. She is very excited about her birthday and has been counting down the days for weeks. You can pray for the tons of other family we have too-- this week has been hard on all of us.

So what did her dad in Portland say? He started off saying the right things. I had never met him before, but I had a really good conversation with him (even though I was nervous) When I asked for permission to ask Jess to marry me, he said yes. That was good too. Then he said the wrong thing; not to me but to Jess. He called her up and told her congratulations. When she talked to me about it, I was somehow able to recover from the shock and convince her that her dad was simply confused. I also asked her step-dad for his permission too this time with no bean spillage. Tomorrow I will tell you how I proposed to her.

Roses

First Day on FMLA

Today was my first day on FMLA and even though the fundraiser and the Young Boles volleyball and football games (thank you!) is going to cover my time off it felt just plain weird.

This weekend Aunt Sandy participated in the Silver Spurs event to raise money for cancer research. She came in 2nd place!

I keep thinking the next day is going to be easier, but that hasn't been the case. It's not a matter of feeling more loved or supported because I certainly feel that; it's that I can't get used to Jessa's current condition. It still pains me when we have to turn her. I still miss making decisions with her (and boy have I had to make a lot of decisions lately). Each word she tries to say and each flutter of her eyes is still precious. Today we could really tell that Jess was listening to what we were saying. She even said a few things to Aunt Pam.

Today I went to a funeral home to decide on some things that I didn't want to have to do today, but I'm really not going to want to do later. I asked my friend Kyle to go with me. Kyle lost his wife to cancer just before Jessa was diagnosed, and he has been a great friend ever since he called me up a few weeks after his wife passed so that he could help me through the same struggles he went through. I was very grateful to him and also to Amy Wade at Wade funeral home. Nobody wants to go to a funeral home but if they do they should have a person like Amy helping them and a person like Kyle to go with them.

One time when Jess and I took Katelyn to Burger King I was trying to encourage her to eat her food before she ran and played on the playground. I pretended her french fries were alive and as she ate them I pretended I was the fries by saying things like "Don't eat me. Not the teeth. My brother tastes better. Oh no. Etc." Katelyn laughed and laughed. She also got more excited. Finally, the excitement built up until she screamed at the top of her lungs at one of her french fries, "I'm going to eat your mother!" Tomorrow I will tell you what her dad in Portland shouldn't have said when I asked for Jessa's hand in marriage.

Two more days to Jadyn's 7th birthday.

Peaceful Sleep

Jess slept very peacefully today. I know how many of you have been praying for that and I appreciate it. Really the only time she showed any discomfort was when she had be rolled so we could change her gown and sheets. One of the cool things that changed is that she now takes her pain medicine totally in drops (the methadone was a pill) which really helps since she is having trouble swallowing.

Today Bryn ran up to someone who was visiting our house to drop off a meal. When Bryn got to her she realized it wasn't who she thought she was. She said "Hello... (long pause)... people." Then turned and ran back into the house.

When I first met Katelyn, Jess was picking her up from preschool. The first thing I noticed about her was her hair. Katelyn has naturally curly hair (which she now flat irons) and her hair was cut to her chin level. She looked like Shirley Temple. Jess was relieved that Katelyn didn't crawl to her on all fours and act like a puppy which Katelyn had been in the habit of doing when she picked her up. I don't know why-- three year-olds are goofy like that. Jess introduced me as mommy's friend, so that is what she called me for a long time until she called me Jake and then of course Dad and sometimes Daddy. Tomorrow I will tell of you of what happened when Jess and I took her to Burger King and of the ensuing embarrassing then but funny now story.

Visit from Dr. Capper

Dr. Capper visited last night for about an hour. He gave me several tips for caring for Jess now, but he also was interested in who she was. I think every person should have a job that they enjoy doing and seems a perfect fit for them and I could tell that doing hospice is for him what teaching junior high is for me.

This morning she said a couple of things that didn't make sense but she hasn't said anything since then, although her eyes have fluttered open a couple of times. She has done very little eating or drinking today. I think realistically Jess will be coming home to heaven soon, but God is also not limited to the ordinary and I still pray for her healing. However, it has been enough for her to be with us today. I am grateful for hospice care around the clock now. I am grateful that all of our needs have been met and that so many people love my wife and us.

After Jess and I had been dating a few weeks, I noticed that she had said I need to get home now to my daughter. I thought this kind of like saying I can't go out with you tonight because I need to wash my hair, so one night on the phone after she told me she needed to let me go because she needed to get back to her daughter, I told her that the joke was getting old and she needed a more creative excuse. Dead silence followed. Then very clearly and slowly she explained that she really did have a daughter and with tears in her voice she told me that she would understand if I didn't see her again. I was very glad God had told me I was going to marry her because when you marry someone you marry all of them and whatever comes with them. I knew even if her daughter was a total stinker and even if I didn't feel ready to be a dad that I wasn't going to stop dating her and I told her that. Of course her daughter is now our wonderful, precious daughter whom I adopted last year. Tomorrow I will tell you about the first time I met Katelyn.

Continuous Care

Jessa' sister and brother are in town. It was really pretty cool because Jess has been out of it all day, but when she saw them her face lit up and she called them by name.

The good news is that even with the switching over of pain mains, her pain has still been managed. The bad news is that since Jessa's incoherence and sleepiness is still present we know that it is due to brain tumors and not a side effect of medicine. Starting tomorrow, she will start have an LVN caring for her round the clock.

So what did God tell me about Jess? Very early on He told me that I would marry her. When I told Jess that she wasn't so certain, after all we had barely started dating. Jess and I liked each other but if God hadn't said something I wouldn't have thought of a lifetime commitment then. Tomorrow I will tell you why it is so important that I know that because it turned out Jess wasn't joking about something.

Letters to the Girls Via Facebook

It's very important to Jess that our girls remember her. One tool for this is going to be a group on Facebook. If you have a story about Jess or a photo, please post them at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=44264882312. If you don't have a Facebook account, it doesn't cost anything. You will need to join Facebook to post though, and you will also need to join the group "Letters." A friend of mine, Mark, is going to compile the comments and photos and turn them into a book.

I'll still post my nightly update later.

A Hard Day

Today was a hard day. If you read my earlier post from earlier today, you know that Jess has been having nightmares. One cool thing-- when Jessa awoke from a nightmare while Kathy her nurse was here, Kathy immediately said we need to pray for that. I like a nurse who will look at the spiritual as well as the physical. As much as medicine has been a blessing there are just some things it can't fix. Jessa's color has been better and she eaten some (although she did throw up the little bit she had for dinner). Jess has also been out of it for a lot of the day, but she was definitely better today with understanding what was going on and who people were.

The girls still give her hugs and kisses no matter what. Jess has been insisting that she be able to do stuff today no matter how hard it is for her. She insisted on drinking from a cup without a straw which was very difficult as it is hard for her to raise her arms up (tumor in the right elbow, tumors in her broken left collar bone). Bryn handed her a card that she managed to open with difficulty. Bryn simply said, "Mommy takes longer than she used to." She said something then that made me cry. She has been barely whispering things lately so I had to lean in close. First she said, "I love you" and then she said "I love you more than I will tomorrow."

Of course with all of this suffering comes blessing. Jesus once said, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." For me the biggest blessing has been the number of people that love Jessica so much, a lot of them without ever having met her.

To continue with Jessa and my story together, let me tell you of our date to Sundance Square. Jess and I went to go see a movie in downtown Fort Worth in a fun area called Sundance Square. First we saw a movie, but then we didn't want the date to end so we decided to do something else. Now, earlier I had parked in the now closed down Tandy Center. I noticed that the parking booth hours ended at 10, so I figured I would get out of paying for parking since we would now be leaving past that. We decided to go to see a comedy troup called Four Day Weekend which was then performing after a play called Forever Plaid. They're much bigger now, but they were even funnier then. We laughed a lot. Jess has a sweet laugh. I have a funny one. Sometimes at my school, I will hear whole groups of kids imitating it which I think is pretty funny because how cool is a laugh that makes other people laugh. After we saw Four Day Weekend we headed back to the Tandy Center, but found an unpleasant surprise. Not only was the parking booth closed, so was the parking lot. There was one of those big wooden arms that don't come up unless you pay and of course we couldn't pay now since the booth was closed. The logical thing at that point would have been to call a cab, but that thought would only come later. Right then Jess and I thought of an idea that working together just might work. We found out that I could raise the bar up a little before it stopped. I was driving an Eclipse which not only was a really cool car, but it was also low to the ground. Working as a team I raised the bar and Jess drove the car as far to the right as possible and whew-- made it! We were jumping up and down because we had did it. Jess climbed into the passenger seat, I climbed into the driver's seat, drove the car around the corner and... there was a huge chain going across. OK we can do this Jess said. We unscrewed my antenna I held up the chain Jess barely squeaked by my foot and success! The only thing missing was Mission Impossible music. Tomorrow I will tell you what God told me about Jess.

Pray for Sweet Dreams

I'll still post later tonight, but right now I wanted to post so that you could begin praying for sweet dreams for Jess. She of course is loved, supported, and cared for; but she is having horrible dreams in which no one cares about her and everyone has forgotten her. Jess sleeps a lot so would you please pray for sweet dreams for her?

Football Game

Jess was awake more today than yesterday (which isn't saying much), but a lot of the time she imagined things that weren't real. It was unnerving because at times she would be frantic over taking the wrong medicine or something like that never happened. Thankfully though she was in very little pain today. The worse pain she felt is when the nurse's aid and I had to roll her from side to side to change her night gown and her sheets. Jessa's cousin Mandy bought some cute night gowns cut them down the back and hemmed them. The end result? She's fashionable and comfortable. I'm hoping that by tomorrow the other pain meds will be out of her system.

Jessa's family stayed with her this afternoon so I could take the Yikes to the Young-Boles football game. It was great seeing present and past students. I've only been off work three days but I miss my kiddos already. I also liked seeing people I work with-- they have been so caring and supportive of me and my family. They also continued the fund raiser for us. The Yikes had a great time: Jadyn got to see her close friend Cody, they got a funnel cake, hot cocoa, candy, and spirit sticks. It was cold but Jadyn stayed warm playing with Cody and Bryn curled up in a blanket and jacket that people lent her. At the end of the night, Julie, the teacher who organized the fund raiser, handed us a poster of our family that the staff at Young had signed. As we were walking away Bryn asked, "Daddy how come people are so nice to us?" I told her because they loved us so much. Jadyn chimed in, "It's because mommy is in so much pain. She's in more pain than anyone else in our family."

I promised I would tell you one of my least bright ideas for one our first dates. A good friend of mine was getting married and so I invited Jess to the wedding. I picked up her up at about two and she asked me what time the wedding was. I told her about six. She asked if we were going to do anything on the way. I told her I thought we would stop for a bite to eat. A little bit panicked she asked where the wedding was. I told her Texarkana, which is named for being on the Texas-Arkansas border. After she got over the shock of me not thinking things through she actually enjoyed the trip. We of course had plenty of time to talk and really enjoyed getting to know each other. Tomorrow I'll tell you of another first date to Sundance Square in Fort Worth and why finding the right parking spot should have been my top priority.

No pain but...

I got the new medicine's name wrong it's methadone (not morphone, morphone is actually a linguistic term). Also if you've just started reading the blog, the Yikes are what Jess and I call Jadyn and Bryn it's a shortened form of Younger Kaylor Kids. Katelyn and Jadyn are the Okes for Older Kaylor Kids but we don't use that term much.

Today was a good day as far as pain goes, but Jess was drowsy/incoherent 99% of the time today. We lessened both the extended morphine doses and took one of the fentanyl 50 mcg patches off and will stop both of those completely tomorrow as the methadone starts to take effect (although it takes four days to reach max effectiveness). Today was the result of too many pain meds in her system during the transition, so I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. You can pray that she will be pain free AND alert/coherent.

One of the cool things was even though Jess slept through it her women's bible study met here this morning. I had to laugh when Jess was upset that they weren't meeting when she first when in the hospital and insisted that they meet in our house even when she was still in the hospital (which they did one week).

Bryn was her typical funny self today. When some family members stopped by this evening, Bryn hid behind a chair. She whispered some stuff to me and I whispered some stuff back. Then she said, "Dad, they can't see me so they think you're talking to the floor."

Jess and I went to TGI-Friday's on one of her first dates. Jess has gorgeous brown eyes which stand out against her pale skin. I couldn't help but stare into them and she back into mine. When we got the check-- I chuckled. The waitress had drawn a big diamond ring and wrote "When's the wedding?" Right then I knew two things: people notice when you're right for one another no matter how early in a relationship and 2. I should have asked our prophetic waitress for some lottery numbers. Tomorrow, I'll write about the not-so-brilliant idea I had for a date.

From Doozy to Dozing

Jessa's pain is back under control, but it has been a doozy of a day. She woke up about two-thirty in pain. At first she thought she could make the pain go away by adjusting herself in bed. When it didn't she called me in, and I gave her some pain medicine. I slept on the couch in the living room the rest of the night waking up every hour or two to give her some more pain medicine. This morning though when Jess rolled to one side so we could switch night gowns (which is a normal thing) she found herself in incredible pain. I called nurse Kathy and she told me which medicines to give her. Her pain dropped and she slept for a bit-- but it was still too high. Now here comes the really cool part: with hospice, medicines are delivered to your door, so within hours a brand new pain medicine arrived, methadone. No trip to the ER this time! Now Jessa is sleeping without the little pain creases in her forehead she gets when she is not sleeping well. I plan on sleeping on the couch again tonight just to make sure she gets through the night OK.

So what amazing thing did Jess decide to do the first time we went out? Well, I was going home to see my mom and coming back after the Christmas break. I didn't want to leave my car in airport parking that long, but I couldn't find anyone that wanted to pick me up from the airport when my flight arrived late on... New Year's Eve. When I mentioned it to Jess, she agreed to pick me up. As Jess will tell you, I'm not a very good planner, but if I had planned my trip better Jess and I might never have started dating. Tomorrow, I will tell you about the prophecy of the waitress.

Jess Had a Better Day than the Cowboys

A big thank you goes to Natalie Dickey who redesigned the web page. I also love the picture she chose to put up top of Jess and the girls.

I should have mentioned in my last post that the reason why Jess is in the living room is so she's not isolated from the rest of the family and she can easily receive visitors. She is no longer able to get out of bed, so the living room is the best spot. Right now she is getting enough sleep, has minimal pain, and has been very alert and coherent (the pain meds aren't making her "out of it.") All three of things I know are being prayed over, so thank you.

Last night I called a friend to take the girls to church this morning while I stayed home with Jess. However, I didn't know that her mom had decided to come over this morning so I could go. I really enjoyed it, so I'm really grateful for her.

For once it was Katelyn that said something accidentally funny today. She was super excited about using her bible at church today which she has on her phone. When she was telling me all of the different versions, she said it had different languages, King James, and of course the HIV. What a difference one letter makes!

I thought I'd continue Jess and my story together. The week Jess and I went out on a date for the first time was jam-packed for me. I was about to leave for two weeks to see my mom, but I made the most of the week, having a different date every night until I left. However, all of my other dates turned out badly except for Jessa's. The most remarkable thing happened though happened because Jess offered to do something really nice, which I will tell you about tomorrow.

Saturday Scores

All three of my girls had games at the same time today. Katelyn played her third game of a B Team tournament and Jadyn and Bryn both had soccer games. I'm still coaching Jadyn's team (with lots of help from parents), so of course I went to hers. All three of them won their games (Katelyn won her first two as well), but the most exciting one was Bryn's. She scored the only goal of the match, making it as they say in Europe 1-nil. I wish I had been there of course, but she was super excited to tell me and that was pretty cool to see. I have a Yikes story that happened today. I got Jadyn and Bryn a chicken strip meal at Chick-fil-A. After they got their meal Jadyn told me she wanted a two piece instead of a one piece. At the same time Jadyn was complaining, Bryn kept asking me to read what something said. I turned my attention to Bryn and read one of Chick-fil-A's slogans, "Eat more chicken." Of course, Jadyn immediately piped up, "See dad, I told you so."

All-in-all it was a good day for Jess. Her appetite has returned and she is eating OK now. She has found that she likes the air mattress, so she is going to keep it for now. It's a little awkward for her at times being in a bed in the living room, but its worth being around her family. Right now it's very important to me to figure out a routine for Jess to fall into. I really want to find out the best time for her to catch naps during the day and then schedule visiting hours for people to come see her. That way she can feel rested and not feel like she is being a rude hostess when she falls asleep when someone is over. For right now, if you're planning on visiting please call first.

Do you know how Jess and I met? We both were majoring in English at UT Arlington and we were in the same writing class. However, we didn't have a chance to meet until our professor recommended her to be a tutor in the writing center where I was already working. My first memory of being with her was typical Jess. When we had down time, I frequently rubbed people's neck or shoulders mostly when they had headaches. Jess let me rub her shoulders but later I found it didn't feel good to her and with Jessa's delicate skin it bruised her. Did she say anything though? Of course not because as she later told me because she thought I was kind of cute.

Medical Leave

It was indeed a Christmas-like morning at our house. I think though my favorite moment this morning was of Bryn relaxing. Jessa's hospital bed was too narrow for her to snuggle up to Jess so I saw her lying in bed with Jess upside down with her body between Jessa's legs and her own legs on either side of Jessa's body. She lay like that for about twenty minutes just content to be next to her mommy.

I'm going to go on Family Medical Leave, so today was my last day at Young until I go back. I know it's the right thing to do and I will enjoy my time with Jess, but today was really hard for me. I've grown really, really attached to my kiddos this year and I will miss them. They were pretty cool today because they had a simple message for me today: we love you and don't want to lose you even for a little bit as our teacher, but we care enough about you to be glad you're going to take care of your wife. They also presented me with a binder filled with messages to me and Jess. They were really touching and I was glad I waited until I got home to read them. It was really, really hard not to cry today (I know if I had started-- I would have had a roomful of crying kids).

All the teachers and staff at my school have been incredibly supportive of me and my family. They have been truly family to me, and my family is pretty is awesome so that's saying a lot!

Jessa's first day of hospice care went really well. She likes her bed (even sans Roho mattress), loves her nurse, and her pain has been managed well. Prayer warriors are still meeting from 7-8 AM at Grace Covenant to pray for Jess on Saturday mornings. We of course appreciate all your prayers for us at all sorts of different times and in lots of different places.

She has arrived

Jess pulled in via non-emergency transport about 10:30 tonight. I thought non-emergency transport would be an ambulance without the sirens, but this was a mini-van with the back converted to hold a stretcher.

Jess is feeling very comfortable with a pain level at a four. She's already sleeping. That's good because the Roho mattress that I'm excited about her getting won't be here until tomorrow. The mattress she has now is pretty cool though it's an air mattress that shifts the air every few minutes to prevent bed sores.

The Yikes were asleep by the time Jess got home, so I know they are going to be super excited about finding her home tomorrow. I think it will be a bit like Christmas morning with their mom as their present.

I'll be up for a bit waiting for the hospice nurse to arrive, but I'm going to rest for now-- so good night.

Happy Jessica Day

Today was all about Jess.

Even though most of the students at Young have never met my wife, they were incredibly supportive of her today. I saw lots of pink shirts. I even saw some home-made shirts that boldly proclaimed they were praying for Jessica. Arms and hands soon sported pink ribbons courtesy of pink highlighters and pens. Lots of staff and teachers wore pink today too including the t-shirt Lisa designed for her. I even saw a few students wearing the shirt. By the end of the day I saw notebooks designed with messages about her and lots and lots of pink ribbons.

The volleyball game was incredible too. The volleyball game this year was about more than winning a game. Both schools coaches wore pink ribbons and all the girls on both sides wore pink ribbons in their hair. The fans on both sides wore pink ribbons and shirts. I know she was too sick to go, but it was an amazing tribute to her.

How fitting then that today we're officially with Covenant Hospice and if everything goes as planned, Jess will come home tomorrow!

Two Steps Closer to Coming Home

Before, today I had been expecting the infection doctor to say any time now that Jess would be scheduled to have her infected port taken out. Today though Jess surprised me when she said the labs came back and her port is no longer infected. She has been taking antibiotics, but the doctor had said that there was only a small chance they would work.

Also before today I was not expecting Jess to be able to get blood after she goes on hospice, but our insurance approved it. This is a big deal because Jessa's bone marrow is infected with tumors and is no longer able to do its job. Jess has had four units of blood since she has been in the hospital and two units the week prior to going in.

The last two things on the list before Jess gets to come home are 1. we need to sign with a hospice program (which I think will happen tomorrow-- I'm pretty sure I know which one but I'm going to wait to say it until the papers are finalized) and 2. the pain doctor has to make sure her pain will be under control (it was about a five or six tonight)

I appreciate your prayers.

No chemo

Dr. Haley was able to look at Jessa's CT scan today. Realizing how fragile Jess is right now, she said that chemo is not an option and she recommended hospice. Jessa's pain has been more reasonable at about a four or five. I need to pay more attention because although she is no longer on the pain pump (the PCA/ external one not the one inside), she is getting Delatid (sp?) in her IV as needed. Finally, her infected port needs to respond to antibiotics or needs to come out which of course would delay her coming home.

Not Coming Home Yet

Jess was a quite a bit of pain this morning, but did better tonight. There is still one more hospice company we want to visit with before we choose one. I don't know when Jess will be able to come home, but since it's not going to be tomorrow we still have time to figure out the best way to take care of her after she leaves the hospital. She has been on oral pain meds this weekend instead of through the IV which is an important step in her coming home, but the meds have not been able yet to keep her comfortable.

Top 10

Although we met with two hospice providers today, the only think I am sure about is that hospice is a wonderful program. For me, it was kind of like the word "radiation" before Jess had cancer-- I knew radiation helped fight cancer but I didn't have the slightest idea of how it worked. It turns out hospice is a team of people who work together to provide pain management and comfort after aggressive treatment is no longer done. There's an RN nurse, a chaplain, a doctor, a social worker, and an LVN nurse all working in conjunction with each other.

There are still important decisions to be made that I'm not sure about yet, so here's something I do know: the top ten reasons Jess is an inspiration to me:
1. She impresses everyone who meets her without trying to
2. She never ever tells me when it's time for me to leave the hospital for the night so she can get some rest
3. The thing that most scares her about dying is how it will effect the rest of us, not dying itself
4. Even though she has experienced more pain lately than most people ever will, if you ask her is she's in pain she just says she's uncomfortable
5. She still manages to look beautiful with her dark brown eyes despite being so sick
6. She is brave even when she is scared
7. She has a smile that lights up the room despite paralysis in her face and still laughs although it is hard to get a deep breath
8. She inspires doctors and nurses
9. She worries that the effects of her cancer inconvenience other people and that she is not "pulling her weight"
10. When she was on hold with 911 she asked the friend that was with her how she was doing

Comfort

This week has been my hardest week, yet I have felt comforted by many people this week. God loves to use people to do His work and He sure has allocated a lot of people to us. Just looking at the comments that have been left here (and Jess has been able to read them too) has brought a great deal of comfort. "What can I do for you?" has been an overwhelming question when I have been barely able to think straight, so thank you for so many of you that have had creative, specific things that you have done and offered to do for Jess, the kids, and me.

There a few things coming up in the next week or so: people that want to pray for us are still meeting at Grace Covenant Church in Arlington from 7-8 AM on Saturdays, Jess and I are talking to a couple of hospice providers tomorrow with the intention of bringing her home, and there is a fund raiser for us at Martin High School during the Young (my school)/Boles (Katelyn's school) volleyball game this coming Wednesday at 5:30 (Katelyn plays at 6:15).

No MRI or radiation

Jess is not going to have an MRI after all. The docs felt like they already had good information from the CT scan, and they didn't want Jess to to feel pain from getting the scan done (transferring, lying still on her back, etc.) She is also not going to have radiation done on her back. The pain relief she might have felt from radiation didn't out way the pain she would have felt from transferring and lying flat on her back.

On the plus side today Jess was much more "with it" and she was in less pain. The main reason for this is that her calcium levels in her blood are down.

Not So Good News

Welcome to the roller coaster that has become our life. An oncologist came in tonight to go over the CT scan results. There is still an MRI to come but Jess didn't feel up for it, so they will try again tomorrow. The CT showed new stuff and all of it bad. Jess has a broken collar bone because of cancer breaking down the bone. She has new tumors in her lymph nodes in her abdomen. There are new tumors in her lungs and over twenty tumors in her liver. Lab results revealed that her meta-port is infected and will probably have to be taken out and she has too much calcium floating around in her blood. That calcium is causing increased pain and Jess just took medicine last week that is supposed to keep her calcium levels down. Jess is also anemic so she probably need to get more blood. She meets with a radiation oncologist tomorrow to see what can be done radiation-wise on her lower back.

A Three

I just reread my last post and I realized that from the way I wrote it sounded like Jess has been screaming and crying most of the time instead of when her pain spikes during transfers. I'm not talking about the transfers they have done at the hospital either (they have gone smoothly) but the transfers she has been doing at home to her wheelchair, recliner, bed, etc. During those transfers, her pain peaked at a 10 up from the 6 that has become the new normal. However, they just put her on a Roho mattress tonight and the pain med adjustments are working... when I left her pain was down to a three!

Pain doc visit

A pain specialist, Dr Langsley, came to see Jess this afternoon. Jess has been in some pain despite the medicines especially when she raised the head up on the hospital bed. I think it's been much better since she has not been screaming nor crying and she has been asleep most of the time. He ordered an IV medicine that Jess can push a button when she is in pain. He also said he would try to find a doctor in Fort Worth that would has equipment for adjusting her pain pump. It would be awesome if they could figure out a way to make it where Jess is in no pain. He also said it would probably take a few days to get it under control. In the meantime Jess was wise in wanting to go to a hospital that's close to family and friends.

Admitted

The scans showed nothing surprising. However Jessa's pain cannot be managed well from home yet so she will spend the night here.

waiting on scan results

They gave Jess some pretty strong pain medicine and also some medicine to help her relax. I was especially glad for the latter because scans have typically painful for Jess lately. She made it through the scans just fine and is now sleeping. Now we're waiting on the scans. The big thing right now is they want her pain to be under control before she goes home. I have never seen Jess in as much pain as she was today, and I know she wants her pain to be manageable before she comes home. Keep up the prayers.

Ambulance Ride

Jess and I are in route to Harris Methodist Downtown via ambulance. This morning her lower back pain was off the scale so Dr.Haley advised us to check into a hospital. Please keep us in your prayers.

Slowly but surely

Okay, medical update first...

I have been pretty busy since my birthday, when I came home from the hospital.  Lots of recuperation, rest and more doctor's appointments.  I have seen my oncologist (Dr. Haley) who thought I needed 2 units of blood from a little anemia.  I have felt more energy after that infusion.  I had a very productive appointment with my rehab doctor (Dr. Mendez).  She gave me a prescription for a hospital bed, which I ordered and they delivered the same day! I have had one night on it, and I was so happy to be on a bed with my legs raised and head up higher.  I hope I can even sleep-in a little bit tomorrow! Then, the doctor ordered boot to help with pressure relief on my ankles.  AND, she ordered home health to come evaluate me for PT/OT to see how they can help with mobility around the house.  

But, the best thing happened when I told her I have been experiencing more back pain the last few days.  She, right then, sent a text to my pain management doctor (Dr. Bruel) even though I told her I had an appointment with him in a week.  Well, Dr. Bruel said I could come in the next day.  I was grateful, but that meant another trip into Dallas, which I had already made Mon-Wed. of that week.  She text him again to see if he had anything that day.  It turned out he was teaching that day, but was going to come RIGHT over to help me in her office!! What?!? Who does that?? I was SO grateful for him.  My pain is better and I was Dallas-free the last part of this week! I am so blessed with a team of doctors that help me so much.  

I am still fighting a fever (on antibiotics) and my mobility is low.  I am learning to take medicine when I need it.  My throat problems are better each day.  Today, I even ate some pretty normal foods, cereal and chicken noodle soup, with relative ease. I am learning new strategies every day. I am so grateful for pain management, a bed and so much help from family and friends.

The girls are all doing well.  Our thoughts are filled with Halloween costumes and Jadyn's birthday.  Katelyn's volleyball team is undefeated.  Jadyn loves her daddy coaching soccer and Bryn has fun being a Groovy Girl on her Kindergarten soccer team.  We are blessed with great friends and teachers for all three of them.  

Another super exciting thing happened to me Friday.  My sister Hope came into town with her two precious little ones, Austin and Ella! It was complete surprise to me! It was great visiting all weekend with her. And, nurse Hope was SO helpful to me as a sister and with her nursing background.  I really don't know what I would do without my brother and sister.  Garett is between careers and while he waits to be able to sub, he is able to drive my to all my doctor's appointments and transfer me (which is a lot more work for others now).  

I love ALL of my sweet family.

Two pictures of Hope's visit.  (Sorry for the lack of hair--a radiation side effect.) But, we are all smiles.

I am having memory card issues, so I will need to start taking more pictures to post for you soon!

Love,

Jess