Year and a half

As of today, it's been a year and a half since Jessica passed away. I don't know if this week has been good or bad. It's certainly been hard. Grief comes in waves and this week it has felt like a tsunami. I know we live in a culture where it's frowned upon to be sad, but I don't look at it as all bad. I like to the think Jessica is worth missing and what kind of life together would we have lived if parting wasn't hard?

This weekend Brynnie had her birthday party and she officially turned seven on Monday. Jessica was the planner (actually from what my friends say the wife is usually the planner), but I managed to rent a place, send out invites, bake a cake, and everything else that comes with it. I'm pretty sure I left some people off the list though. Not on purpose. Also I remembered to bring my camera, but I think it might have fallen out of my pocket because I can't find it. One of the people I think I left off is Aunt Pam. So what does she do? She brings cookies on Brynnie's actual birthday. That's just the kind of people Jessica's family are. If you come up short, they'll help you out.

Tonight I went to Jessica's grave. Actually, the girls and I plus a girl from our college group that we taught went. I don't often go. For me, she really isn't there. She's in heaven. I've been really wanting to go though recently, and today was an appropriate day. Usually Jadyn and Brynnie write messages to Jessica on helium balloons and let them go-- I don't. Today though I wrote a message to Jessica. I filled it up, tied it off, and scrawled a message in my bad handwriting. Then I let it go. Today was a particularly windy day and balloon flew low to the ground across the other graves, then shot up awkwardly in the air, and soared up in the sky. I watched it until I couldn't see it anymore. I couldn't help, but think about the similarity to Jessica's life. I only held onto the balloon briefly, before it soared up-- really quite beautiful in the last moments of seeing it. Then I was left feeling like a child, wishing I still had the balloon.

Mother's day is coming up. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying to live each day on its own, but it's been hard to do that.

Jessica always thought I should each post on a positive note. I have so much to be thankful for so I thought I should list them. I'm thankful for: the people who watch my kids after school: my brother-in-law Garett, my friend Leslie, and my friend Shelley, for all the families who give my girls rides (especially Katelyn) when I'm double or triple booked with activities, for my "band of brothers": my guy friends who I can call on whenever I need them, my girlfriend Heidi and all the people that pray for me and my daughters, and most importantly the Trinity: God the Father who has a good and perfect plan for me, Jesus who made up for my shortcomings, and the Holy Spirit who has helped me make every wise decision I have ever made.