Sunday, July 25, 2010

You Were Right

I think I have been in a place where I couldn't listen to advice. I am a man of action. The last year of Jessica's life I had to make many decisions and had to do many things that I thought I would never be able to do. Lots of people offered advice and their advice contradicted each other. Instead of following advice I would instead find out what was on Jessica's heart, decide the best way to make that happen, and do it. My life was a reflection of what Paul of the bible says God told him, "My power is made perfect in your weakness." When Jessica passed, my focus shifted from her to my girls. I was able to meet many of their needs, but they needed a mom. I made a mistake in trying to find one so quickly because I under-estimated God's grace and power in a single parent's life. My girls are doing just fine with just me as their one parent (and the whole community supporting us). My most recent mistake has been dating without first taking care of myself and strengthening my relationship with God. I hit a brick wall on my birthday on Wednesday, and it was a crash that went well into the rest of the week. I had a good time on my birthday; the highlight being going to a movie with my guy friends for the second year in a row. The problem this year came with my age. Jessica had always been older than me; she passed away at 33. This year with me turning 34, for the first time I'm older than her. I really haven't let go of her. There's a scene in the movie Inception where the main character is talking to his wife in a dream. He says that the wife of his dream can never be his wife because no matter how closely he remembers her, she will still not be truly his wife. He then tells her he has to let go of her. My heart ached in that scene because I would love to talk to Jessica, tell her how the girls have been, about my job, about how we're all doing. I am very aware that my wife is no longer with us, but I have been holding onto the life we had together. I just realized, I can't just write the next chapter of the book of my life with someone else. That book has reached the last page that says, "The End." I'm going to have to write a new book, but first I've got to be ready to write it. That's going to take a couple of months. There are some difficult choices I'm having to make. I stopped dating. I'm going to spend some money on myself. I am going to attend a single parent sunday school which means a two month break from my church. I'm going to go to counseling. All these things are super difficult, but faith without works is dead. Then I'm going to spend time with God finding out what means to be still and know that He is God. At the end of the two months, I'm going ask out the girl God wants me to eventually marry. I'm finally at a place where I can listen to wise council, and if you were one of those that tried to offer such let me say that "You were right."

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Friday, July 2, 2010

List of Top 25

My cousin Angela suggested I make a top 25 list of things I'm looking for in a girl. With help from my family during our Kaylor family reunion this last week, I came up with the following in no particular order...
1. Being funny is not enough. I want a girl that is hysterically funny who makes me laugh so hard I can't breathe. Someone who isn't afraid to be silly with me.
2. Authentic faith in Jesus
3. A natural beauty who doesn't mind being comfortable in sweats and no make-up just hanging out, but can also go out looking sexy hot or beautifully classy
4. Can talk to me about anything and makes me want to tell her everything
5. Makes me a better me
6. Holds me accountable for doing the right thing
7. God confirms that she's the right one
8. Be willing to try new things
9. Be the first one to grab the mic in a karaoke bar and be able to sing
10. Love to do things together, yet have separate things
11. Love my girls and be good with them
12. Respect and honor Jessica
13. Good communicator/problem solver
14. Be able to help me plan/organize
15. Love her job and love life
16. Be OK with not having more kids
17. Wants to stay in North Texas
18. Love to travel. Like camping AND hotels
19. Be between 25 and 40
20. Not extremely messy or neat, like to cook
21. Be able to stick to a budget
22. Be persistent, have raw determination, be committed
23. Be willing to be forgive and be forgiven
24. Respects and encourages me
25. Be affectionate and like to give or receive massages
26. What do you think 26 should be?