Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Storm Clouds

Be still and know that I am God. Seems pretty simple, but for someone full of energy like me, it's been tough being still and quiet and not try to make things happen on my own. A couple of weeks ago, I went out to the cemetery where Jessica is buried because there were some things I needed to tell her. Logically, I know she isn't really there, just her body and I have no doubt where her soul is. However, emotionally I felt like it was where I needed to talk to her. When I had left the house, the sky was blue with some big white fluffy clouds, but now the Fort Worth sky began reflecting my emotions. Dark storm clouds began rolling in. I had brought a fold-out chair to talk to her and I set it out as the cemetery turned dark with cloud cover. The things I needed to say were not things I believed, but things I felt emotionally. Even though her dying was not her fault and she fought tooth and nail to survive, I needed to say what I felt emotionally. I was mad at her for leaving me, for not making it, for dying. It didn't matter that I didn't believe these things, they still had to be said. As I shut my eyes and began talking to her, the rain began to come like soft tears. I kept talking as the rain continued to fall. Finally, I was finished, I opened my eyes, and the storm clouds scattered revealing blue sky. Finally, I had peace. I felt Jessica's blessing for me to have a joyful life without her.