Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Storm Clouds

Be still and know that I am God. Seems pretty simple, but for someone full of energy like me, it's been tough being still and quiet and not try to make things happen on my own. A couple of weeks ago, I went out to the cemetery where Jessica is buried because there were some things I needed to tell her. Logically, I know she isn't really there, just her body and I have no doubt where her soul is. However, emotionally I felt like it was where I needed to talk to her. When I had left the house, the sky was blue with some big white fluffy clouds, but now the Fort Worth sky began reflecting my emotions. Dark storm clouds began rolling in. I had brought a fold-out chair to talk to her and I set it out as the cemetery turned dark with cloud cover. The things I needed to say were not things I believed, but things I felt emotionally. Even though her dying was not her fault and she fought tooth and nail to survive, I needed to say what I felt emotionally. I was mad at her for leaving me, for not making it, for dying. It didn't matter that I didn't believe these things, they still had to be said. As I shut my eyes and began talking to her, the rain began to come like soft tears. I kept talking as the rain continued to fall. Finally, I was finished, I opened my eyes, and the storm clouds scattered revealing blue sky. Finally, I had peace. I felt Jessica's blessing for me to have a joyful life without her.

6 comments:

Lynne said...

Blessings Jake...Lynne

Pat Cooper said...

wow, Jake. This is why I love you to pieces...you are willing to show your heart and reveal parts of your pain. Mark and I will be praying for you. We want you to have more sunny days and less rainy. Hope this school year is awesome.

Anonymous said...

Have done that myself. I use to get so mad at James for leaving since he always promised he would never leave. I know it is hard. i wonder if it ever gets easier or is it just me?
Jacque

Al Rearick said...

Continued prayers for you, friend. In your pain, you still manage to bring great inspiration. Thank you for continuing to share the journey, and may that journey bless you as you have blessed me with your writing and with your friendship (of which I have not done a good job of maintaining, and for which I apologize).

Al

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, Jessa. Always and forever I will remember the day you were born. I wonder what would have been different had I known that Jesus would give you to us for just a little while? This I do know, I couldn't have loved you more. Party in Heaven Jessa...happy, happy day.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, baby girl. If only I could have you five more minutes, I would give up the rest of my own. You are and always will be so precious to me. I love you forever and ever and miss you every day. Thank you for being such a blessing!
Mom