Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Jessica's Last Letter to Me

I must confess you that my emotions have been in turmoil lately. When you lose someone you love, your life is never the same and the part of them that remains in your life is at times a comfort and at times a painful uneasiness. Tonight though I found the more I thought about the difficulties in my life, the more a growing sense of peace came, and so with God's help I'm writing this post.

A few months ago, I posted about how Jessica and I thought of the kids before we thought of me. I bought birthday, wedding, and first baby cards for the girls. Jessica thought about what they would need to hear from her in those moments and filled out those cards. She also wrote down in photo-books what she wanted the girls to know. However, in the time after her death I lamented what we had forgotten. If only I had her write, something to me. Then Judy, my mother-in-love, found what I hoped for, but did not imagine existed, the card. Jessica did indeed find time in her last days to think of me. I am going to write those words down now. It is my hope that those of you who never got to hear one final goodbye from your loved ones that you will see in it what they would have said to you had they could have.

Jake- how I love you! You are such a strong man. I have told you before I would hope I would take care of you as well as you have taken care of me over over the last few years. I am grateful and blessed by your presence in my life. You were my rescuer, my knight in shining armor, even before I got sick. I hope that this year has brought some peace and closure to a long hard fought battle we waged together. I pray, also, that people will allow you to grieve the way you need to, and not the way other people think you should. I love you so very much. Although I'm sure heaven is a wonderful place, I wonder if I will miss anything. Before dying, I knew I would not be there for you as a husband, and I grieved that loss. I am honored to have had so much time with you. You are an amazing husband and a worthy, kind father. <3 I love you!! Jess


Anonymous said...

How special that you were able to find these words. I think everyone wishes they would have that special gift of word from their loved one and those words should give you great comfort, peace and love.


Anonymous said...


Jessica was so special and had such a way with words. I am sitting at my desk, tearing up at the beautiful words she had for you. I hope that her words will provide you comfort in times of uneasiness. It's obvious that you had something special and that you brought the best out in each other.


Anonymous said...

Jake, it is hard to type when you are crying so hard...You had an amazing wife.
Pat Cooper

McCullough Family said...

I was just re-reading one of Jessica's last post. Her post on all the blessings of her day in Sept. Amazing! I think about her often and am still inspired by her faith and trust in the Lord. So glad she left some special words for you.
Carrie M

Carla said...

thank you so much for sharing her with us. and especially this note. wow... you are still being prayed for over here.

Anonymous said...

Jake, Wow! What an amazing gift and treasure. Thank you for sharing this. I didn't know Jessica but through her letter I got to see her amazing grace.

Love your cuz, Angella

Diane said...

Precious words Jake. Kind of like she wrote them from Heaven. Her words send many messages but the message that is so clear (but no suprise) she loved SO very much and was so blessed to have you in her life!

I miss her SO much.

Love You-

Aunt Diane

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve a daughter who was so wonderful in so many ways. She loved you and the kids so much. And she loved her Lord. Not an hour goes by that I do not think of her. Her love impacted so many, her kindness and thoughtfulness was immeasureable. Thank you so much for sharing her words with us. They sound so like her. Her last words to me were, "I love you, Mom." Words I'll treasure forever. Thank you for bringing so much joy to her short life. Her happiest moments on Earth were spent with you and the kids. God is so good.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing.I hope all is well with you and the girls.


Al Rearick said...

Wow... that makes me regret even more never having had the chance to meet her on this side of heaven.

Take care, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Like others have said...thank you for sharing that. Jessica was such a great influence on my life and I think of her often. I was just thinking of her this last Sunday morning when I was in the children's library at LABC. I remember her smiling face as she helped us check out books (one of the many times I remember seeing her smiling face). We hope and pray you and the girls are all doing well and continuing to inspire others by your faith.

Wendy Casas

Alpha 1 Vann Clan said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm so glad you found your letter. I looked at your blog yesterday and looked at some of Jessica's pictures. Then--last night I got to see her dad. I miss her!

Sarah said...

I dreamed of Jessica again last night -- whenever she appears in dreams she is always there to comfort me and inspire me, and to forgive me. It is so amazing to read the words she wrote to you -- I am amazed again and again how she is still HERE for us, even when she can't be. Love you brother!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing such a private moment. I think of Jessica often and pray for you and the girls. I pray for comfort and peace.