Sunday, July 25, 2010

You Were Right

I think I have been in a place where I couldn't listen to advice. I am a man of action. The last year of Jessica's life I had to make many decisions and had to do many things that I thought I would never be able to do. Lots of people offered advice and their advice contradicted each other. Instead of following advice I would instead find out what was on Jessica's heart, decide the best way to make that happen, and do it. My life was a reflection of what Paul of the bible says God told him, "My power is made perfect in your weakness." When Jessica passed, my focus shifted from her to my girls. I was able to meet many of their needs, but they needed a mom. I made a mistake in trying to find one so quickly because I under-estimated God's grace and power in a single parent's life. My girls are doing just fine with just me as their one parent (and the whole community supporting us). My most recent mistake has been dating without first taking care of myself and strengthening my relationship with God. I hit a brick wall on my birthday on Wednesday, and it was a crash that went well into the rest of the week. I had a good time on my birthday; the highlight being going to a movie with my guy friends for the second year in a row. The problem this year came with my age. Jessica had always been older than me; she passed away at 33. This year with me turning 34, for the first time I'm older than her. I really haven't let go of her. There's a scene in the movie Inception where the main character is talking to his wife in a dream. He says that the wife of his dream can never be his wife because no matter how closely he remembers her, she will still not be truly his wife. He then tells her he has to let go of her. My heart ached in that scene because I would love to talk to Jessica, tell her how the girls have been, about my job, about how we're all doing. I am very aware that my wife is no longer with us, but I have been holding onto the life we had together. I just realized, I can't just write the next chapter of the book of my life with someone else. That book has reached the last page that says, "The End." I'm going to have to write a new book, but first I've got to be ready to write it. That's going to take a couple of months. There are some difficult choices I'm having to make. I stopped dating. I'm going to spend some money on myself. I am going to attend a single parent sunday school which means a two month break from my church. I'm going to go to counseling. All these things are super difficult, but faith without works is dead. Then I'm going to spend time with God finding out what means to be still and know that He is God. At the end of the two months, I'm going ask out the girl God wants me to eventually marry. I'm finally at a place where I can listen to wise council, and if you were one of those that tried to offer such let me say that "You were right."

5 comments:

kathy said...

prayers for you & your beautiful daughters, Jacob! You will make the right decision when the time is right for YOU!

Debbie Witte said...

What beautiful words Jake. Jessica is so proud of you. You are right that you have to take care of yourself now and I admire you for taking the next step! And Jessica knows how you and the girls are doing. She is your special angel.

Love, Debbie Witte

Anonymous said...

Take your time, and don't put so much pressure on yourself to get married again. It is perfectly alright to be a single parent!

Lynne said...

Blessing Jake... I am so glad you are going to take time for yourself... and the girls. Counseling sounds like a very wise decision... and know that there is no need to rush or put pressure on yourself.

with care

F said...

Thanks for sharing such an inspiring yet sad experience. God bless you and your family :)