Rough Week

I wasn't really prepared for Mother's Day. I thought this was something I've got to do and even though the pool may have sub-zero temperatures in it and sharks in it, I've never been one to lay out on the beach chair, so I'm diving in. There were two things I knew I couldn't do because sometimes kindness just kills whatever control you're trying to keep in your life. I knew it would be a day that I would have trouble keeping myself together somewhat and not falling apart completely, so I know from experience that a kind word can crumple whatever walls I have built up like and aluminum can on a frat boy's head. So the two things I knew I couldn't do were go to church and be around Jessa's family. We went to the Scarborough Renaissance Festival instead of church and that went OK. My brother-in-law Garett and my mother-in-love went with us. I wasn't sure if I'd be up to going to Jessica's headstone, but I felt like I could. Aunt Jacque had given me a helium balloon kit so I brought that too. When we got there the Yikes wrote messages on the balloons and let them go right at the grave site. Judy wiped the stone free from dirt. I think at some point the memories of Jessica erupted like a volcano and control got vaporized by the molten lava. Even at the end of the week I'm not sure if what was good or bad. I had felt like I was getting our family's life back on track, but maybe sometimes it's important to revisit the grief by off-roading. This week has been a week of nightmares, bathroom accidents, grief, anger, and hopelessness. The thing is though we never had control of our lives, God always did, and today I can see clearly how as I turn control over to him that these emotions are normal and part of us loving Jess and letting go of her not being with us anymore. I appreciate you dear reader for praying for us and sticking with us as our journey continues.