Saturday, May 16, 2009

Rough Week

I wasn't really prepared for Mother's Day. I thought this was something I've got to do and even though the pool may have sub-zero temperatures in it and sharks in it, I've never been one to lay out on the beach chair, so I'm diving in. There were two things I knew I couldn't do because sometimes kindness just kills whatever control you're trying to keep in your life. I knew it would be a day that I would have trouble keeping myself together somewhat and not falling apart completely, so I know from experience that a kind word can crumple whatever walls I have built up like and aluminum can on a frat boy's head. So the two things I knew I couldn't do were go to church and be around Jessa's family. We went to the Scarborough Renaissance Festival instead of church and that went OK. My brother-in-law Garett and my mother-in-love went with us. I wasn't sure if I'd be up to going to Jessica's headstone, but I felt like I could. Aunt Jacque had given me a helium balloon kit so I brought that too. When we got there the Yikes wrote messages on the balloons and let them go right at the grave site. Judy wiped the stone free from dirt. I think at some point the memories of Jessica erupted like a volcano and control got vaporized by the molten lava. Even at the end of the week I'm not sure if what was good or bad. I had felt like I was getting our family's life back on track, but maybe sometimes it's important to revisit the grief by off-roading. This week has been a week of nightmares, bathroom accidents, grief, anger, and hopelessness. The thing is though we never had control of our lives, God always did, and today I can see clearly how as I turn control over to him that these emotions are normal and part of us loving Jess and letting go of her not being with us anymore. I appreciate you dear reader for praying for us and sticking with us as our journey continues.

7 comments:

Amy Sossamon said...

Always thinking about you. Jessica was an amazing person, who we were and are better people because of her! She will live on in your memories and your girls.

McCullough Family said...

I've been thinking of Jessica a lot recently and loved what you wrote about her on Mother's day. She is STILL inspiring me to be a better mom, wife and friend. I pray that you and the girls will be held extra close to the Lord this week. Carrie M.

Anonymous said...

I just appreciate your honesty and transparency Jake. Thank you for allowing us to feel through your words....the prayers continue as you forge ahead in your life!
Chris B.

Anonymous said...

Jake you and the girls are in our prayers, hearts, and soul... If anyway or anyhow we can ever ever do anything for you please please ask.. remember WE ARE FAMILY..

Anonymous said...

We continue to think of you all and pray for you often. Thanks for keeping us up to date on how y'all are really doing. I agree with what others have said. Jessica continues to inspire me and so many others. She was a precious one of a kind and is missed by so many. I just heard a wonderful rememberance of her this past week at a MOPS meeting and her influence in the life of another mother and her children and newly adopted children. What a legacy!

Wendy Casas

Al Rearick said...

Stuck to you like glue and always in my prayers, my friend. It's a beautiful Monday morning as this is being typed, and my prayer for you and the girls is that the Lord use the beauty of this day to speak words of comfort and love to you & the girls as you continue your journey.

Al

Anonymous said...

We love you all and continue to pray for you.