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Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Bittersweet
The 29th of each month has been a day that grief comes and sits on my chest. I think about Jess every day of course. My house is filled with pictures of her on the wall. The girls' freckles remind me of Jessica's freckles. When I drive to work, I think about how the Accord was the perfect car for Jess. They aren't bad thoughts though. I used to not not understand why someone would want to go see a sad movie. Now, I get it. There are some things that are OK to be sad about, and they make the happy moments all the more enjoyable. Jess and I talked a lot about this time in my life. We talked a lot about what our lives would look like without her, and how we could make sure her memory was kept alive. I know it would probably make sense to change the name of the blog to Our Journey without Jessica, but today has been an OK day (it's been the first 29th that has been) because I realize that I will always have her in my life and although I have had to let go of her-- I will also be able to hold onto the memory of her. I know it may seem a little silly, but I want Jess to be able to look down at me and be proud of the way I'm living my life now. She never wanted people to think of her and be sad; she was more interested in making other people happy. I know she would want me to share my good news on the 29th, and I've prayed about it too. My good news is that I have met a girl that has helped me in my grief process and along the way she has become more than just a friend.
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6 comments:
What you may want to think about doing is starting another blog - (but still with a link to this of course) - this one is tied so much with Jess, her testimony, her thoughts, struggle and love - your next chapter could, and maybe should, be separate, leaving this blog to the thoughts and memory of Jessica and her experiences. Something to think about.
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
These words of Jesus from Matthew 28 are a favorite verse of mine. They remind me that He is never away from me.
In the same way, Jess is never away from y'all. I know she's not here physically, but you said yourself you see her in everything: your girls, the pictures in your house, etc.
For whatever it's worth: when I come to your blog, I'm greeted with the words "The Kaylor Journey" and that wonderful picture of Jess and the girls. Please don't ever change that. That journey continues. By all means, change the part that says "Jessica Kaylor's Journey with Cancer," because that part is done. Where she is, cancer can no longer touch her. If anything, you could change that part to "Jessica Kaylor's Journey WITHOUT Cancer."
My friend, it's not silly at all to hope that Jess is smiling down on you and the girls. I'd bet the house (and the ducks) that she is extremely proud of the way you've continued your earthly journey without her beside you, but forever in your heart.
Y'all continue to be in my prayers, and I am so happy for you that you've found a lady who "has become more than just a friend!"
Al
I plan on continuing the blog here on this site. This site has always been just as much about Jessa's struggles and triumphs as it has been about me and my girls. Jessa will always be a part of our lives, and I think that's a pretty cool thing. Read over the last six months of the blog, and you will see Jessa's hand prints all over it.
Thanks Al-- I appreciate you. Wouldn't it be cool if we could get her story from heaven?
Jake I am thrilled that you have met a lady friend. I have actually been praying about that. I think it will be very healthy for all of you to have another woman around the house to hang out with and enjoy each others company.
Thanks Jacob; that means a lot. It'd be very cool to get her story, and we will eventually. But for now, it continues to be inspiring to read about you and the girls.
You were right: God's timing is the best.
Al
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