Opening a Christmas Present Early

The presents are wrapped and under the tree. I think it took Jadyn less than five minutes to "accidentally" rip one of her present, but according to her own eyewitness account she didn't see what it was. My parent always threatened to take my presents back when my curiosity got the best of me and I peaked. I didn't do that, but I'm a little sad for her that it will no longer be a surprise for her.

After I posted yesterday, I thought about Jessica's first two cars. Her first one was an Audi and a present from her dad. She drove it back from her dad's in Oregon to her mom's in Texas. Unfortunately, that was the last time she drove it because it died after making the trip. Then she bought a red Pontiac. Soon she was driving with the heater on during the summer because it was the only way to prevent it from overheating. Finally, I went with her to buy a Mitsubishi Mirage which has been a great car.

Funny Car

Katelyn and I had a car conversation tonight. Being sixteen may be two years away but she has getting a car on the brain. I thought it was pretty funny because she told me that she wanted a Mustang GT with a GPS. It has to have a GPS she said because she has no sense of direction. Then we talked about how much that would cost. Apparently she she had already seen one with her cousin for about $11,000. She pretty much had no idea how much that was because she thought she could convince eleven people to give her $100. When I told her that would be $1100, she said they could just donate $200 then. That lets me know two things: 1. she thinks she's pretty persuasive and 2. she has no math skills. We'll see where she is in two years but
I think she may be driving a rusty used school bus.

Today is also one month removed from Jess passing away. I am taking advice from the wise and taking the girls' presents over to someone's house to have them wrapped. The bonus is hanging out with a godly couple who are both great friends. If I have to wrap any presents after this (even with double sided tape), the great thing is no one will have to wonder who they are from.

The Start of Christmas

Today was a good day just for making it through it. For Jess, Christmas always started the day after Thanksgiving. Today was the day I would normally take all the Christmas stuff down from the attic with Katelyn. Then Jess would spend several hours doing the tree. Often she would ask me to help with the tree which I would gladly do. Then she would redo all my branches to make sure they were spread out and rehang all the ornaments I had put up to make sure they were placed in the best possible spot. Well, I was really, really dreading today as everything about today reminds me of Jess. Katelyn was off at the movies with friends, but the Christmas stuff is stored in the shed now so no problems getting it out. Jadyn and Bryn had a wonderful time decorating the tree and putting out Christmas stuff. Other than feeling a little nauseous as I put up the tree (no, I'm not making this up) it really turned into a pretty decent day. Usually when it comes to a day like this I depend on my friends to help me get through it, but for the first time I did pretty good on my own with the Yikes. I even went Christmas shopping late tonight. I do still have one problem. Thanks to gift bags I no longer feel embarrassed when presenting a poorly wrapped present for a birthday gift. However, with Christmas presents gift bags are not going to be the solution for my awful wrapping skills. I know with certainty that if I put gift bags under the tree my kiddos will know what their presents are before Christmas comes. Right now I can think of only two solutions: put an alarm on each present to deter peeking or be OK with my kids' presents looking deformed like Quasimodo.

Happy Thanksgiving

My Thanksgiving began when Bryn crawled into bed with me early this morning. That's not an unusual way to start my day. However, then she said "my stomach hurts." Then I found out why as she began to throw up everywhere. It could have been a bad day. After all Thanksgiving is just as much about eating as it is giving thanks. However, Jadyn and Katelyn had a great time celebrating Thanksgiving with our family at large and I had a nice time with Bryn at home. The best part of my day was doing thank you cards with her. She helped put the postage stamps on and handed me envelopes so I could stamp with our address stamp. Jessica's dad came by later to drop off traditional Thanksgiving stuff for Bryn and I which I ate and Bryn slept instead. This Thanksgiving may not have been about eating for Bryn and I but it's pretty cool that ended up being a day of giving thanks.

One year Jess and I handed out Thanksgiving dinners at Mission Arlington (a place for the down-and-out for those of you not from here). It was a lot of fun because it involved our whole family got to do it.

The Secret in the Closet

I found out today that the reason Katelyn's room was clean was that her closet was not. Her closet wasn't so much a storage area as a secret overflow for clutter. It's 10:45 and she's still cleaning it. On the plus side Katelyn has discovered she has thirteen pair of jeans.

I am looking forward to being with family tomorrow. I don't think it will feel exactly like Thanksgiving has in the past, but as a friend of mine said we are going to be living in a "new normal."

Girl Names

It was hard for today not to be a great day for the girls. To start with Jadyn and Bryn's classes gave them each a Build-a-Bear with a message said by all the other students in their classes along with a gift basket for our whole family. This time both Bryn and Jadyn had a great time in after school care. Then one of their great friends got to come home with them for a little bit to play. Katelyn got "kidnapped" by one of her friends to go spend the night. Actually Katelyn asked first, but I cracked up when her friend Kim actually played the outlaw when she showed up at our house complete with bandana. As for me I felt good this week in class-- I definitely felt more like a teacher whereas last week I felt like a lot of the time I was just going through the motions. I love teaching and I am so glad when my kids can get the best me-- not the one who is thinking of a zillion other things instead of focusing on them.

One of the years I taught preschool-- I had a cute girl named Jadyn in my class. Years later when it came time to name our second girl, Jess loved the idea of naming her with an uncommon name that I had a great association with and Jadyn seemed a great fit. All that was missing was a middle name, and we let Katelyn pick it out: she picked "Rose" and we both thought "Jadyn Rose" was a delightful combination. We now had a precedent of "yn" at the end of our girl names, but luckily Jess had a fabulous eleventh grader named "Bryn' the year before. "Isabell" for a middle name was harder for us to find but once we heard "Bryn Isabell" we were set.

First Day in After School Care

Sorry I forgot to hit "publish post" before going to bed last night, so the post before this one is really from yesterday.

Today was the first day for Bryn and Jadyn to go to after-school care. Bryn really liked it. Jadyn said she did at first, but then she didn't like it. She asked me if she could stop going, but my thought is it was just the first day and Jadyn takes awhile to warm up to new things. She, like me, also wears her emotions on her sleeve, so while she was upset about going today it might go great tomorrow.

I am looking forward to the break after tomorrow. I plan to spend it with friends and family and perhaps take the Yikes to the zoo one day. Katelyn is planning to go with her friends to see Twilight tomorrow night. She is actually almost done with the book even though she just started reading it. I may be the only guy ever to read the series but it's cool now that Katelyn and I have one more thing to talk about now. It's good because there was no way I was going to read the other girly stuff she reads but werewolves and vampires I can handle.

Jess was an avid reader. The last book we read together was the Last Lecture. It was pretty cool because we alternated chapters with her reading most of it while
I would drive her to doctor appointments. I think in a way this blog has become a Last Lecture for us: we have written it for other people but eventually our kids will be able to read it and know their mom in a way they couldn't have know her before. They will learn about the impact she had and how many people loved her.

Importance of Family

The nice thing about going to a Lake house in the middle of November is that it's nice and peaceful. That's not the first thought I had though; my first thought was this would probably be more fun in the summer. The truth is that I think my whole family needed just what this weekend provided: time away from the rest of the world. I also think it's really cool that everyone is totally comfortable with talking about Jess-- I think the part of her that everyone misses the most is how she was a good friend to us.

Possum Kingdom

Bryn cried three quarters of a soccer game but played a fine job of goalie in the fourth. The most impressive thing to me was the other parents that tried to comfort her. It was a bitterly cold day more suited for football games and hot chocolate.
We are out in Possum Kingdom tonight (for those of you not in Texas I am not making this town's name up) hanging out with our extended family. It's too cold to go out on the lake but nevertheless its been great hanging out with family. . The most exciting thing for the girls has been the deer that let yopu come so clode you can almost touch them.

First Date

Katelyn went on her first date tonight. Even though they went with a group of friends I was still a little bit nervous but I also felt proud of her for saying "yes" to the right guy. I and my shot-gun cleaning buddies will still need to get to know him better, but he has done the right thing by being a good friend to her first.

I feel like "Missing You" by Hawk Nelson was written about Jessica after listening to it. Thanks Taylor for telling me about it. I once put a CD together for Jessica with songs that reminded me of her. A song on that CD became a favorite of ours: "We Belong Together (Tarzan and Jane)" by Stephen Curtis Chapman.

Days are still going great: God has put so many wonderful people in my life that are fun to be with that I find myself smiling and laughing all the time. Nights are still horrible: I'm sleeping 4-6 hours a night. Bryn has had nightmares the last few nights. Her favorite thing to do now before she goes to bed is for me to give her two choices to dream about. Last night I told her to dream about unicorns or playing soccer. Tonight I told her to pick eating ice cream or playing soccer. She pointed out that playing soccer was a repeat from the night before so she made me suggest something else.

I am honored to have you read our blog tonight. Please pray for us but pray for my girls first.

An Early Thanksgiving Feast

When I let Jadyn read the blog comments tonight, she told me that the reason that people left comments is that they found out how sweet she was because I wrote about her. Then she said in a super excited voice, "Why don't you write about Bryn!" I think that's so sweet because I don't think she realizes that I write about the Yikes and Katelyn all the time.

I'm still not sleeping well at night but I slept soundly enough in the early morning to be surprised when I woke up. I found Bryn curled up with me. She had come into my room after she had experienced some bad dreams.

Today was the one day in a year I eat from the school cafeteria. The week before Thanksgiving the cafeteria always serves up turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, etc. I usually eat with my teacher friends but today I ate with some of my students. The only bad thing was that they were too good at conversation: it was time to go before I finished my food.

One of the things Jess and I liked to do together in North Richland Hills was ride our bikes. There are lots of bike paths there-- unlike here in Arlington. I think my favorite bike ride is when we rode all the way to where she was teaching at Richland High School.

Taking Breaths

Jadyn was super excited about the comments left for her and amazed by the rose made with keyboard keys.

Days of the week don't normally matter to me, but it mattered today. Jess passed away on Wednesday three weeks ago. Aunt Jaque keeps telling me something that seems simple, but it helps: breathe. Every time she does I find myself letting go of the breath I'm holding and then moving forward.

When we lived in an apartment, we lived upstairs from the Taylors. What makes that remarkable was that the wife's name was Jessica but no the husband's first name wasn't Jacob. We actually got to know them pretty well because we were constantly getting her mail addressed to Jessica Taylor and they got my Jessica's.

A Warm Welcome Back

Yesterday I got a hero's welcome on my first day back at Young Junior High. It felt really good to be missed so much by teachers, staff, and students. I even got a welcome back song sung to me by one of the math teachers (thanks Nancy). I am definitely not "back in the swing of things," but it feels great to know that I will be supported and loved while I get there.

Before Jadyn came went to bed tonight she said she wanted me to mention her on the blog. I guess I never thought about it before but she has tons of people telling her that they read something about her on the blog. She has been both super sweet lately and super sensitive, so please continue to pray for her.

Jessica's favorite video game was Ms. Pacman. She never quite understood why I would want to spend lots of time playing a video or computer game, but she definitely had a weakness for Ms. Pacman. I'm not sure why really since she didn't even really like the regular Pacman. She also pointed out something to me about the ghosts that I never noticed. First of all she knew all their names (why not just call them things like the blue guy?) but more importantly she recognized that each one had different tendencies and speeds. I eventually bought one of those plug and play units for the tv that had Ms. Pacman and some other classics on it. She especially liked challenging me to play her; I think mostly because she won most of the time.

Pick a Side

One of the things that has really helped me is going to Gilda's Club. There are lots of several groups at Gilda's Club but the one I have been going to for friends and family members of someone with cancer. There is nothing magical about it: it's just a group of people talking about our struggles and triumphs, but on the other hand having a group of people that share in your griefs and achievements just as they are going through the same thing is exactly what make it so special. The people in the group and I share a special bond and the coordinator for the group, Ellie, is phenomenal. When I lost Jess I didn't know I could still go to the group since there is a different group for those that have lost a friend or family member to cancer. I recently talked to Ellie on the phone and she let me know that I was more than welcome to still go to the same group. I don't know how more times I will go, but I felt it was really important that I go tonight. I was so glad I did-- seeing this remarkable bunch of people was exactly what I needed tonight.

I come from a family of very little sides. Whenever my mom would make a meal, there sometimes might be a side of vegetables but most of the time it was just the main dish. However, whenever I made the main dish, Jess always wanted to add a side. Even though she began preparing these herself it was still annoying; "Why do we need a side I thought?" However, I came to realize that it was her way of coming along beside me and adding value to our meal. I have trouble letting go of doing things that I do my way when it is good, but when it became our way it became better.

Be Still

We went to church in the morning and Sunday school. It wasn't the subject of the sermon but God definitely wanted me to pay attention to Psalm 46:10 which is "Be Still and Know that I am God." Lately my mind has not been still-- especially at night when it takes a long time for it to slow down enough for me to go to sleep. Practically, being still for me means letting myself relax and not trying to fill up down time. After church Jadyn had her last soccer game followed by her end of the year soccer party. The families of the girls on her team have become very much my family. Not only are they fun people to be around they have been a tremendous support to us. We finished the night at a friend's house where we have been studying The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel which is a terrific book. We got through a busy weekend and had fun but I'm looking forward to a calmer one. I go back to work tomorrow which I am a bit nervous about since I haven't been there in a while, but luckily I have awesome students that I get along great with.

I have a silly memory tonight about Jess. I have no idea why I did this other than to be goofy but one time I put my mouth over her eye and created suction on it. "Stop," she said, "You're going to get my eye infected." "No," I said "you can't get an infection from sucking someone's eye." Just in case you were thinking about sucking someone's eye in the future, don't because Jess was right.

Busy Like a Bee

Today Katelyn had a basketball tournament in the morning and a dance and a sleep-over tonight, Bryn had a soccer game and an end of the season soccer party, the Yikes had a skating birthday party, and I had an indoor soccer game. I got Katelyn and her friend Kim off to the basketball tournament this morning, but Bryn had a major melt-down. We couldn't find the soccer shorts that went with her uniform and she didn't want to wear any other shorts. Her melt-downs are not explosive: she simply stops talking and refuses to move. She very much reminds me of a stubborn turtle that has retreated inside her shell. The rest of the day went well though except for my soccer game. Our goalkeeper from last season can't play this season so I played keeper. I actually really enjoyed playing it because its an exciting position but I got scored on a lot and we lost. All and all it was a good day but we have another busy day tomorrow.

When Jess and I first got married we went out to eat a lot but when it came to eating at home I did the cooking. I think she would have picked up on it faster but I don't always measure or set timers to see how long things take to cook. Even if it was something simple like spaghetti Jess would want to know how long to put the noodles in for and I would try to tell her what they look like when they're done. However, she learned to cook when she started to stay home when Jadyn was born. Her exact measurements and timings lead to her being a better cook than I was. She loved trying out new recipes and rarely made the same thing twice. I think the only thing I've ever made only once was alphabet salad that my sister Sarah and I attempted to make when we were kids. We tried to find a food item for every letter of the alphabet and mixed it all together. Needless to say we would have been better off if we had limited it to less letters.

Start of a Busy Weekend

Today was my last day off work and the start to a busy weekend. Lots of stuff is going on plus end of the year soccer parties. Tonight Katelyn went to a basketball tournament, Bryn went with a friend to McDonald's, and I took Jadyn out to Cracker Barrel. I signed up Jadyn and Bryn to do after school care starting the week of Thanksgiving. I took them by earlier this week to make sure they were comfortable going and felt like they would have fun there. Jadyn was Ms. Popularity already when we stopped by and Bryn I'm sure will make a friend or two quickly.

I saw the new Cowboy stadium while driving around and it made me think of memory of Jess and I. Sometimes when we would go out on a date we would just randomly drive around until we found something. This one night we drove by the stadium only to see it moments later again. I tried getting on another road but there are a bazillion different roads that go by the stadium and somehow I kept getting on the wrong ones. We ended up just going home but we laughed quite a bit at the stadium that kept looming up in the front windshield.

Jessica's Video from the Funeral (thank you Mandy)

Foreign Languages

Bryn came in just a second ago and asked to go to bed. It's the Yikes bedtime but I was starting to get worried until I told Jadyn it was time for bed. She responded with "But daddy!" so I think the kids must be alright after all. They should be worn out though because I took them to a park for about two hours tonight. My friend Kyle lost his first wife right before Jessica was diagnosed. Tonight our two families got together for pizza and playing in the park. His two daughters are the same age as Jadyn and Bryn but I wasn't sure if they would play well together (they've met before but it's been a long time). One of his daughters asked my girls right away when their mom died. I don't think I would have handled a question that fast well, but for my girls I think it was a good connecting point and they shared right away. We all had a great time together.

One of the books that changed Jess and my marriage was The Five Love Languages. There are five specific ways to love people but everyone has a favorite. Jessica's favorite was what the author calls "Words of Affirmation" but he could have more simply said compliments. Mine is "Acts of Service" which is doing nice stuff for someone. We found out it's not enough to "do onto others as you would do onto yourself;" instead it's better to put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to "speak" their love language. By the way it also made a difference in how we love our kids.

Lots of Fews

Jadyn invented a new word: fews. It means a lot of something which is exactly what you would have if you had the plural of a few of something. I have been asking God for help in a few things. My thinking was that God can help me provide for my girls. I had it flipped though because it is God is providing for my girls and I am only helping. There is no other way to explain the outpouring of love that has been show us. OK there are other explanations but they would just been plain wrong.

Speaking of turning a few into fews, this weekend over 3500 people raised 8 million dollars towards reaching a cure for cancer.

Tonight I thought I'd share a story from my childhood that brought me the same feeling as I'm feeling right now. Christmas was approaching and we were traveling on the road. The main thought on my mind was "How is Santa going to get into the roof of our VW bus to give us presents?" I also remember my sister and I being cold and hungry so I'm sure our parents were too. On Christmas Eve my dad stopped at a motel to ask if we could use a shower there. I can't remember if the manager did or not. What I do remember is him inviting us to join his family for Christmas Eve dinner. I remember feeling warm and full. He even let us play some of the video games in the lobby for free. Christmas did come the next day (I suppose Santa made it up the exhaust pipe) but truly we had gotten to open up a present early.