Sweet Jadyn's gift to Bryn

Jadyn went with me to the store today. I bought one of those frozen dinners that are warmed up in the skillet. I have only made dinner once since Jess passed (and it was spaghetti) so even though the skillet dinner was easy to make it felt good to make it. Jadyn was super excited because she got to pick out the giant teddy bear for Bryn-- Target didn't have any bears, so Jadyn picked out a big stuffed dog.

One of KK's friends has promised to get her a beta fish. When that happens, all three of my girls will have fish. KK has not decided on a name for it yet but topping her list is "Arwin the Cow." I'm pretty sure she gets her goofiness from me.

I went and picked out Jessica's headstone today. It was pretty cool because they were able to do it exactly how I wanted it. Tulips were Jessica's favorite flowers (they're also my Oma's) and even though there were no tulips on any of the designs, they're going to be able to put tulips on too. I want to wait until the stone is ready to visit her grave with my family-- so we'll go in about eight weeks.

An Early Post

Joanna and the Yikes. This picture actually goes with a story a few days ago, but it wouldn't upload before.


Katelyn let me know today although several of her guy friends were crying on the day Jess passed, Trevor wasn't one of them-- I incorrectly wrote that on an earlier post.

We had a great time at 6 Flags with the Weertmans-- friends of ours that have three boys. We're both not doing season passes next year so this one last hurrah before the end of the season.

I think the best thing about today was having coffee with my mother-in-law Judy. It was really nice to just talk about stuff like what we missed most about Jess. We we talked for over two hours! The only bad thing is that I forget to get the hot chocolate I had promised the Yikes and had to go back.

I appreciate your prayers for our family.

Asking for Prayers Again

Blogger has been so slow uploading pictures lately-- I finally got this one to get on here before the upload timed out.

Jadyn and Bryn Putting out Reindeer Food on Christmas Eve


I've been meeting with our pastor and a couple of other guys before church to look at a bible study that will be done church wide in the future. It wasn't the main focus of what he was talking about but our pastor said something today that I never knew. The history of Isreal the nation parallels Jesus's life. They happen in sequence so if you lined them up parallel to each Isreal's crossing the Red Sea would line up with Jesus's baptism which was followed by Isreal's 40 years in the wilderness and Jesus's 40 days. Pretty neat stuff.

You can pray for my sleep again. I was doing pretty well until I found out about some bad choices my dad is making. I'm not the only one who is not sleeping well-- please pray also for my stepmom, Donna Lucy and Hannah my sister who is 12. I feel uncomfortable giving details but a lot of you read the blog and we need a lot of prayer support. I sure do love my dad, so thank you.

The Yikes were supposed to spend the night at Jessa's grandparents but I forgot. I've already talked to them and the Yikes are going to spend the night later this week with them-- but it's an indication that my memory needs to be prayed for again.

Thanks for being my prayer warrior and good night

Bye Bye Mirage

Last night Bryn couldn't tell me what her nightmare was about, so I just laid down with her until she went back to sleep.

I sold my car today, a '98 Mitsubishi Mirage. I've been driving it for years now, but it was Jessa's originally. Jessica had a string of bad cars but this was her first good one, probably because it was new. I went with her to pick it out while we were dating. When our family got bigger we traded in my aging Eclipse for a Sedan and I've been driving it ever since. I think your wife should always drive the best car so she's always gotten the newest one. It felt really weird driving her Honda Accord at first, but it made sense to drive the better car. I haven't been driving the Mirage anymore and a friend of mine wanted something to keep the miles off his truck with good gas mileage so it made sense to sell it. Originally I was thinking about keeping it for KK but she refuses to drive a stick and she still has heart set on a Mustang.

The best thing that happened today was one of Jessica's friends, Joanna came by. They were best friends in elementary school until Jess moved to El Paso after a few weeks of going to Young Junior High (where I teach now). The Yikes are usually shy when they first meet someone but not with her. I had a late soccer game tonight so she graciously watched them while I was gone. I think they fit in a whole day's activities into two hours.

Trevor

Katelyn and I had a pretty cool conversation tonight. We talked about how when Jessica was really sick, her boyfriend Trevor was a big support to her. On the day Jessica died, Trevor cried even though he never got a chance to know her-- only what Katelyn had told him. In the weeks that followed, he helped her get through the worst thing she has ever been through. I wasn't surprised that when Trevor asked her out after being a good friend first, Katelyn said "yes." Man-- Bryn just woke up with a nightmare-- I'll post tomorrow because it's already really late. G'night.

Another Midnight Post

We did indeed have a great Christmas. Bryn was unusually funny today which is saying a lot because she is the funniest person I know. When Bryn saw Santa had brought Jadyn a Nintendo DS, she remarked, "Maybe Santa will bring you a game to play on it next year." She'll be fine as she can borrow some of KK's DS games. The Yikes were super excited when they heard Santa on the answering machine today. Jadyn was so happy today I was surprised to find her crying when we got home tonight. She was a little sad that Santa didn't bring her a bell (something Jess never would have let happen-- I can remember dashing out on Christmas Eve because one of our kiddos had changed her mind about what she wanted for Christmas), but she was mostly sad because Bryn hadn't gotten the big bear that she had asked Santa to bring for Bryn. She and I worked it out though-- she's going to put one of her presents aside to be given at a future friend's birthday party and I'm going to spend the money I would have on that birthday gift on a big bear for Bryn. She felt much better after that and it's super sweet because she's giving up one of her presents so that Bryn can be happy. Santa put in my stocking a Nancy Drew Wii game which is amazing because he must have know that Katelyn and I have solved many a Nancy Drew game on our pc. Even though it's late we wanted to play it together-- so we playing it for a little bit (about 45 minutes) until midnight. I sure do love my three girls and I'm very thankful that they and I had a wonderful Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

The generosity of people toward our family during the Christmas season has left me speechless. All I can do is say thank you. A big thank you goes to Mosaic Church in Fort Worth for giving our family Christmas money, folks at Connect Church in Arlington for shopping for my girls, and the Sossamon family and the other folks at Best Buy for helping Santa out with electronics. I also am touched by the choir giving their Christmas gift this year to my girls' college fund. I also appreciate the rest of you the way you for loving and supporting us. You truly showing how 1 cor 12:12-14 is supposed to be lived out. Thank you and Merry Christmas.

We have laughed and cried today. All three of my girls had me laughing so hard today I got a cramp in my side (seriously). When a certain family member that normally leaves a message on answering machine from Santa forgot this year (ahem), Jadyn made me check my Yahoo to see if he sent me an email. I was trying to figure out which way to put the batteries in Bryn's camera when she asked me what I was doing. Since I was trying to figure which way the positive and negative sides were supposed to line up I told her that I was trying to figure out how to put her batteries in the camera. "Daddy," she said, "just put them in straight." As for KK, she had me gasping for breath about stories about her friends. My favorite one involved Bryn and happened while my brother-in-law Garett and I went to midnight mass (we're not Catholic but we were both up trying something new). KK's boyfriend Trevor called at midnight to wish her a Merry Christmas. Then the Yikes wanted to see a picture of him. KK showed them a picture of Trevor and two of his good friends and asked them who was the cutest. Bryn pointed to a pole that happened to be in the picture and said, "the pole."

The crying happened when we found ourselves missing Jess. Mostly because as Bryn says, "We used to be a family of five, but now we're a family of four." When we all lit a different candle for Jess, Bryn was sobbing. We all miss her. but we still have joy. Jesus was talking to his disciples when he said this but it applies to us, "You will grieve, but your grief will turn into joy."
I'm no longer dreading a special day without Jess; I'm ready for it and I'm going to enjoy it with my kids. Like Buddy the Elf says "I love smiling. Smiling is my favorite."

Bus Pictures

Proof that the two happiest people I know are my Aunt Jacque and her boyfriend Jay





KK and her bff Chandler take hundreds of pictures of themselves each day, but they kind of freaked out when I was the one taking the picture.

A Bus Full of Mcnutts

I actually had a good day yesterday, but wasn't up for writing. I'm having a better day today though and feeling up for writing again.

Yesterday, after church our big extended family went to look at Christmas lights (pictures to follow). This year we did it in style. Someone in our family won a Christmas light bus tour at a charity auction for breast cancer research. We had a 50 passenger bus in which we saw the lights at Interlochen and Prairie Lights in Grand Prairie. Jadyn got a light-up Christmas necklace at a midway stop, Bryn was a snuggle-bug and fell asleep, and Katelyn almost threw up because at the same mid-way stop she kept riding the same spinning ride.

I forgot to finish the Secret Santa story (thank you Aunt Jacque for reminding me). For Secret Santa we each got matched up with someone and bought them small gifts culminating in giving a toy to Mission Arlington in honor of your person. The toy is supposed to remind you of the person and people guess who your person is. For example the person who had me (one of our counselors) gave a soccer ball because I like soccer so much. My person was our principal and I was able to pick the perfect gift because of a fight that broke out before school. With the help of others I was able to push one of the boys off and then walk him until the building. At the same time our principal grabbed the other guy but people helping pull the boys apart actually cause both of them to fall. Our principal came up on top with the result looking something like a wrestling move. I heard the cheers of the students but didn't find out until later how it came down. Well at Walmart I found the perfect gift. It was a WWF wrestling set. It came with little wrestling figurines that you could catapult a wrestling cage.

We have had a lot people help out with things like laundry. Well, Bryn came up to me and wanted to know where the laundry basket that she and Jadyn share was. I didn't find out until later that day. Jadyn had seen that their laundry basket was full, so she put it outside so someone could take it and wash it. Now someone does still do our laundry on Mondays, but its not like the Tooth Fairy where you set out it out that night and get something different back in the morning. I know at least one of you at there is disappointed that it doesn't work like that.

No Post

No post tonight-- I'll post again tomorrow.

My Anniversary Letter to Jessica

Jessica Lynn Kaylor,

Tomorrow we would have been married ten years. I have to admit I am jealous that you have seen Jesus already, but I am very happy for you. Your last year was filled with pain and it brings me great joy to know you can run, skip, and do cartwheels. Do they have water in heaven? If they do I know you are swimming -- you have always loved water so much. We are doing fine just like I promised you we would be when I spoke to you on the day you died before the rest of our family arrived. There have been days when that promise has been stretched and we have been broken and feel helpless, yet, we have grown closer as a family and we are healing from losing you. Without you here, Katelyn talks to me more often about important stuff. She has a boyfriend now (don't worry I'm sticking to the group date rule) It makes me sad that we can't talk to each other about her growing up. I love her as if she were my own flesh and blood. God gave me a present when she came into my life when I met you. Jadyn still gets mad sometimes but she also lets herself be sad. We write notes back and forth about our feelings. She has become even closer to Bryn. Bryn talks about missing you a lot. She misses snuggling with you, you reading books to her, and your special goodnight kisses. God has kept the promises He made to me of love and support. I've said it to you before, but isn't it cool how He uses people to accomplish His purposes? I wanted to visit your grave tomorrow by myself, but I want to wait until your grave marker is done. Are you surprised that I thought I had already taken care of ordering it, but I didn't? Your friends and family miss you. I know some of them still call your cell phone to hear your voice when they get your voice mail. You may no longer be my wife, but you will always be my friend. I love you.

See you in 50 years,
Jake

Ice Sculpture Pictures Part 2

Bryn smiling through an opening in an ice sculpture



Bryn fell asleep at dinner

Ice Sculpture Pictures Part 1

All bundled up and ready to go through the ice exhibit at the Gaylord



Jadyn poking out through an ice gingerbread house

Ice Scupltures

Blogger is acting up again when I try to upload images, but when it decides to cooperate I've got some pictures I want to share.

I dressed up as Santa at the Young Christmas assembly today. Even though it was very hot underneath the suit, it was also a lot of fun. From the kids reactions today , I'm thinking you can never be too old for Santa. I got to sing in the faculty choir too--our choir teachers at Young (Mrs. Ice and Mrs. Jones) are amazing-- they ensured we sounded really good. I thought it very appropriate that Mrs. Ice was selected as Teacher of the Year today-- she deserves it. She is retiring this year which I thought made it doubly appropriate. She leaves the choir in good hands with Mrs. Jones.

I took the Yikes (along with friend of their's) to see Ice Sculptures at the Gaylord Hotel in Grapevine. It was pretty incredible-- but wore the kids out.

Before we went Bryn got to hang out with a friend and Jadyn got to help deliver toys to Mission Arlington. Katelyn is spending the night with a friend tonight.

Christmas Party Pictures Part 2

Jadyn playing "hot" Christmas stocking where whoever is left holding it gets some candy from it



Jadyn proudly showing off a cookie she decorated herself

Christmas Party Pictures

It was really special surprising Bryn and Jadyn by showing up to their Christmas parties.



Bryn doing a dress-up relay




Bryan and I

Bike Rides Part 2

I am going to the girls' Christmas parties tomorrow (I forgot to mention when the parties were in my previous post). The girls were fine when I told them I couldn't go, but they are going to be super excited when I show up. They make me feel like a million bucks all the time-- I'm hoping I can do the same thing for them tomorrow.

Jadyn and Bryn both wanted me to write about them. Jadyn got to wear her pj's to school as they were having a Polar Express Day-- she was super excited especially when I teased her this morning about needing to get some regular clothes on so she could go to school. Bryn was sweet when she made me a birthday present today in after school care. She had wrapped a picture in construction paper. She asked me when my birthday was (July 21st) and had me tell her how to write it. When I asked her if I really had to wait to July to open it she said, "Yep." She later relented and let me open it in the car.

I didn't turn sixteen until I was a junior in high school, so mostly I got rides from friends but I also rode my bike quite a bit. One night I was riding my bike back from a friend's house when I noticed that my bike light was slowly dimming. I didn't have any back-up batteries so I started pedaling faster. If you have ever been in the country on a moonless night, than you have an idea of how pitch dark it was. My light slowly began disappearing until it finally went out. I could no longer see the road, so I had to rely on the sound and feel of the road to make sure I stayed on it. I was also worried about a car coming and hitting me as they would not be able to see me as I pedaled along on the country road. That night I definitely did not take my normal path as it took hours to make it home, but somehow I made it.

Bike Rides

I have been in the best mood today-- it hasn't been a perfect day but it has been one of those days where I feel like God is touching my life and saying I'm proud of you. This morning one of the counselors at my school came up and told me I could go to the kids' party. I had no idea what she was talking about. Then she told me it was my kids she was talking about and I could go to Yikes's Christmas parties. Brynny's is in the morning, so she is going to cover my morning duty and since I have planning and conference first thing I'll be able to make it back before I have to teach. Then she said they had me covered for Jadyn Rose's party at the end of the day too. I got goose bumps. I'm not going to tell either of them-- I'm just going to surprise them when I show up. The rest of the day was nice too, but I got the best feeling coming back from the store just now. We have been doing Secret Santa at my school and the last gift is supposed to be a toy. The toy gets donated to kids in need, but the idea is to get a toy that reminds you of your person. I found the perfect gift-- I won't spoil the secret, but I will be sure let you know Friday.

I was thinking about cool stuff that has happened in my life-- and I got to thinking about times when I have gotten lost and yet found my way home. One time when I was very little I went on a bike ride with my mom and my sister (my other sisters weren't born yet). I started daydreaming. Then I looked around and realized that I was alone. I pedaled as fast as I could to catch up but quickly found myself going down an unfamiliar streets. I panicked and pedaled faster but it didn't help. I began thinking I would never see my family again and I started crying. I kept trying to find the way and my face was now wet with tears. Then two women saw me and stopped. I weighed my options stay lost or risk going with them. I went with them. They drove to a pay phone and were able to call my house because I knew my phone number. They got directions from my mom and drove me to my house. I was very grateful and relieved to finally be back at my house with my family. Tomorrow I'll tell a very different story of another bike ride I took in high school.

Every Day

My sis posted a really nice post about Jess on Nov. 16th that I've neglected to mention until now: Here's the link to her blog http://www.maxtedfamily.com/

Today was a good day. It was pretty cold day today but I have a really warm coat for my morning duty before school. I was pretty amazed though as some students arrived in shorts and t-shirts. Some even wore flip-flops. Either they were transfer students from Alaska or they were in denial. All of my classes are now reading Anne Frank the play. One of my students summed it perfectly when she said this stuff is pretty cool-- I mean no it isn't, but it's cool anyway.

Every day Katelyn tells me how many days it is until Christmas. She has been doing that for over a month now. Bryn always tells me the same thing every day as I drop her off, she tells me that she will tell me if she gets to be the line leader or caboose. She used to tell Jess that even when she was too sick to respond back. Jadyn always asks me what we are doing. It just about drives her nuts when I say I don't know yet, but when I'm able to tell her an hour-by-hour schedule she is heaven. I think the only thing I tell me kids every day is that I love them.

The End to a Nice Weekend

Today while Bryn and Jadyn were putting up their clean clothes they were singing made up songs. It's pretty cool when they are getting along great and having fun. We've had a full house this weekend with my friend and his kids in from East Texas and my father-in-law in from Portland and we have all had a great time.

Next week I'm going to court to get Jessa's will probated. The great thing is that the court date will be when I am out of school so I won't get docked pay again. I feel a little bad that Because I don't want my pay to be docked, I won't be able to go to the Yikes' Christmas parties this week, but I've talked to them about it and they are looking forward to me to going to their in-school activities next year.

Falling Asleep

Yesterday's excitement included helping to break up a fight at Young even before school started. I felt like God had put me in the right place and the right time to help break it up. It was pretty funny though hearing the story embellished by the kids: the rumor mill said I had gotten hit in the face five times and one of the boys running away afterward (neither of which happened). After school, Jadyn and Bryn had talent show run-throughs at 5:30 and 7:00 respectively. We ate dinner at about eight and made it home by nine. I lay down at about 9:30 to rest for a minute and fell asleep. That would be why I didn't post last night. The amazing thing is the kids put themselves to bed (even Katelyn).

Today we spent the day at Six Flags with my father-in-law and saw Katelyn perform a song there with her choir. Watching Katelyn hang out with her friends at 6 Flags tonight reminded me of a trip I took in 9th grade when we were living in Philly. At the end of the year we took a class trip to Dorney Park. The school had a rule that if you had gotten in trouble too much you couldn't go, and a lot of my friends couldn't go. The really neat thing is going on the trip made me hang out with people I didn't know as well. Girl-wise I even dated one of the girls I met that day. I really think the people you hang out with are going to influence the person you will become. I am so glad that Katelyn has chosen her friends wisely.

16 Cents

I had a really good day today. It was a busy one, but I didn't feel overwhelmed. I think that's mostly because with a lot of stuff I just said "that can wait until tomorrow" but it also has to do with enjoying the moment instead of thinking ahead to what is coming next which is what I normally do. The best thing that happened today was when I made a stop for Jadyn and Bryn at the dollar store (where they got to spend you guessed a dollar) and they got super excited that I paid the tax. That is sixteen cents well spent.

The greatest thing about not having anything but the possibility of God in your life is that it can be easily grasped. That's what happened to me. I had nothing left in my life to hold onto. Some people suggest a simple prayer asking Jesus in your life. Mine was the simplest prayer ever-- with tears running down my face I just said "yes." With that one word I understood that to really love and forgive others you must be loved and forgiven first. I would not say that being a Christian has made life easy (I think my life has been harder than most) but I would say that it has meant living the life I was intended to live.

Jadyn's Christmas List

Tail Spin

We read "Pecos Bill" today in class so I wore the cowboy hat I'll be wearing for my part in Bryn's talent show. It was a lot of fun-- it got me thinking about wearing overalls and a straw hat when we start reading Tom Sawyer.

The temperature dropped today and I realized that although the Yikes have coats they didn't have thick ones. One quick trip to the store fixed that-- I got them reversible ones which is pretty cool because when they forget one on the playground it will be like losing two. The most exciting thing today though is that Bryn has learned to snap and unsnap her pants-- she is super excited and proud. KK just came in after going out for dinner after her basketball game. She almost didn't make it in because I left the door open for her. She of course didn't try to open the door and instead tried to unlock it which of course really locked it. I heard her grunt and go say "What the heck?" Then she retried but turning it one way which unlocked it and then back again to try and unlock it again, but of course she locked it again. She finally got it open but not before she and her friend Kim who had walked her up were laughing hysterically.

On with the camp story. I remained bothered by being forgiven because of "what Jesus did" the rest of the summer. I still didn't believe what my fellow counselors did, but although I was intrigued I also didn't see the benefit of being a Christian. I still didn't believe in heaven or hell. That was when bad things started happening to me. I got ticked off at my best friend from high school and when I peeled out in my car I hit car head on. Although the force sent my car spinning off the road onto another road and then into a tree, my car was wrecked but I came away with only a concussion. I took a flight back to Texas where things got worse. I started losing all my other friends due to them moving, fights, whatever. My dad and step-mom began preparations to move to Maryland which would leave me with no family in Texas. I was in serious danger of losing my job and became estranged from my boss who had become like a dad to me. Not only was my life spinning out of control, I had lost my support system. Find out what happened next tomorrow.

Tied Up

This year has been a special year for me with my students at school, so I told them if they were planning on getting me something they should get me a tie with their name written on the back. That way when I wear their tie, I'll think of them and remember them. Since I have started teaching at Young, I have worn a suit every day with just one casual day. Today I wore my first tie from a student. It's a fun tie because she bought me a white tie one and then wrote all over it with lots of cool words.

Sometimes bad things turn into good things, but it can take awhile. At camp, we spent most nights in cabins, but one night a week we spent it under the stars. Well one week I was paired with my bestie (that's junior high slang for best friend) at camp, Jenny. We had a great week until we got in an argument, and she got pretty mad at me. Afterward we took our kids to watch two other counselors perform a two man play. It was pretty dumb; the gist was an astronaut visited another planet except they didn't kill the savior of the world like they did on planet Earth. After the play, Jenny came up to me and said, "I can't forgive you on my own, but because of what Jesus did for me I forgive you." I was stunned for two reasons: 1) I didn't understand why a play that dumb could trigger a response like that and 2) I didn't understand what she meant. What did Jesus dying have to do with her since he died before she was born? More importantly, what did that have to do with her forgiving me?

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. I am going to be a Christmas card slacker this year. Every year Jess would make sure we had a really cool family picture-- pick out a great layout and mail out Christmas cards. The best things about Jess are definitely the most painful right now and I treasure the memory of her doing our cards. Therefore this year I am going to wish everyone a Merry Christmas without sending out cards.

There our a couple of other things I have been thinking about for Christmas-- one of them was taking a family vacation someplace fun. We may do that some year and I think it would be a blast, but this year we are going to stay home and keep it simple. It took Jess and I a long time to come up with our version of how Christmas would be done. We had to find the answers to: What does Santa bring? How many presents should each kid get? How many presents do you get to open on Christmas Eve? I have decided that those answers will stay the same this year, but I also would like to do something in remembrance of Jess. I am thinking of each us lighting a candle for her on Christmas.

In high school I had a friend named Mark that would pray over his lunch before he ate it. He even prayed over snacks-- it was the weirdest thing seeing him pray over a pretzel. Back then, I could see why people would pray at dinner with their families, but I couldn't understand why Mark would want to do it by himself. Just as puzzling as Mark, that summer I found out that the other counselors would say and do things to me that made no sense at all. One week I was paired up with a girl named Kerry. When I asked Kerry what she thought of some simple changes to a bible verse to make it better, she flipped out and said I couldn't do that. Despite their weirdness though, I couldn't help making friends with everyone there. Probably my best friend there was a girl counselor named Jenny who I got along great with until one week. You'll hear that story tomorrow.

Relaxing Sunday

Today was a good day. We went to church, relaxed at home, and watched the Cowboys play at Jessa's parents (I love close games and today's was a close one with the 'boys losing in the final minutes). I also got to play indoor soccer (we won 3-1).

I was thankful that I got a bible before camp started, but I was still nervous. I remember pulling up to meet the other counselors and being surprised that they knew who I was before I even introduced myself. Looking back it may have been because I skidded up in a gold hatchback with heavily tinted windows and the radio blaring. Or it may have been the longer hair and the goatee. Or the earring. Later one of the counselors would tell me that she didn't think I looked like the outdoor type which is funny because I love the outdoors. She wouldn't be the only who whose stereotypes would be broken. That summer my stereotype of what it meant to be Christian would be shattered.

Polar Express

I love hearing stories of Jessica's influence, here's another one:http://www.teamcontinuum.net/athlete_page.asp?eid=22&uid=83931

Today all three of my girls were healthy. Tonight KK went to sleep over at a friend's house and the Yikes and I went hot-tubbing at our friends' house. It felt great to be outside in water in December, but Bryn and Jadyn took it a step further. They double dog dared each other (I'm not making this up) to jump in the nearby ice-cold pool which they did. Actually they had so much taking the polar plunge and then racing back to the hot tub, that they kept doing it.

I got the phone call from the camp director weeks later. He had gotten unanimous approval from the camp board and wanted to offer me a job. I excitedly told him "yes" and that excitement lasted until I got off the phone. I had never been to a camp before let alone a Christian one, so I had lots of nervous questions. Would I be able to make friends with the other counselors? Was camp going to be boring? Was the food going to be edible? (I had seen Ernest Goes to Camp) Where do you get a bible anyway?

The Big Question

It was practically another restful night except for Jadyn throwing up. This is kind of gross so you may want to skip to the next paragraph. She sleeps in the top bunk and didn't want to throw up in her bed-- so threw up over the side of the bed that touches the wall. What this did was create a trail from the top of the bed until it pooled in the carpet down below. It actually wasn't that bad cleaning it up though. For her part, Jadyn got to enjoy a day of tv and rest at MeMaws and Popos.

Jadyn felt better tonight, but didn't want to pose for a picture. Behind Bryn, you can see our tree that Bryn and Jadyn decorated all by themselves.

When the camp director called me up he asked me some questions that were standard interview fair before he asked the big question on his mind: why was I applying to a Christian camp if I wasn't a Christian? To be honest I was just as mystified as he was. I tend to jump into things without thinking them through, but practice doesn't make the embarrassment any easier to handle. Despite that, he liked what I had to say about the most important thing working with kids is to love them. For me what I am teaching is never as important as who I am teaching. I think I also surprised him when I said I would have no problem teaching weekly bible lessons as long as I was taught the material ahead of time. To me it was no different than teaching any other subject that I didn't know yet. Before I got off the phone with him, he said that even to consider someone like me, he would need unanimous approval by the camp board of directors.

Bryn's New Hair Cut

The Application

I went to sleep early but got up about two hours early too. Not on purpose of course. I'm hoping tonight I will fall asleep early and sleep through the night but either of those will do just fine. Jadyn had her first practice for talent show after school today. I'm not sure what song, but I know it's from the 50s because Jadyn will be wearing a poodle skirt. Aunt Sandy picked Bryn up from after school care and Jadyn from talent show and took them to get haircuts. We got home late tonight, but tomorrow I'll take pictures and post them; they look adorable.

As I was going through that summer application I felt confident on all but one of the questions. Most of the questions were things like: Previous experience working with kids? Teaching soccer skills to elementary and preschool kids. References? I had good ones. However, my honesty got the better of me on this question: Are you willing to grow in your relationship with Jesus Christ? No. Then I wrote this explanation: I'd put "yes" if I could but I'm not a Christian. Tomorrow I'll tell you about the phone call I got from the Christian director of the Christian camp.

Going to Sleep Early Again

I think I finally turned out the lights out at about 10:45 last night and fell asleep almost immediately and didn't wake up until about 6 which is pretty good for me lately. I'm tired tonight too-- so it would be pretty cool to fall asleep before 11 tonight as well. I got to see Bryn's talent show act for the first time tonight. She and her friends our doing a father-daughter dance to the song "Itty Bitty." I am super excited because I have a feeling this is going to be something Bryn will remember for the rest of her life. The steps seem pretty simple, but I'm going to make sure I know them so that her lasting memory will be a positive one.


To continue, with yesterday's story, my journey began with filling out applications for a summer job. I wasn't having any luck, so I started thinking about places that would want to hire me just for the summer and I came up with the idea of doing summer camp. On the plus side I knew it would be fun working with kids on the down side it was a Christian camp. I try to be honest even when it's uncomfortable, so wait to you hear what I put on the application.

Going to Bed Early Tonight

I've been praying for my mind to stop racing at night so I can sleep restfully. I think tonight might be the night because I am feeling really tired and it's only 9:30. I know many of you have been praying for me to sleep well and I really appreciate your prayers. I feel like God has sustained me this far because I shouldn't be able to function on the little, restless sleep I have had.

Before I go to bed though, here is my first installment of the story I promised you. In college I didn't see what God had to offer. I thought being a Christian meant two things: 1. not doing bad stuff and 2. giving away your money. I figured I'd keep my money and have the common sense not to do things that have consequences I didn't like. I didn't know it but my stereotype of a Christian was about to be challenged in a way I never expected.

Ripped Packagd Part 2

When I told Jadyn that I wrote about her ripping the paper on her package, she was upset. At first she thought that no one would want to give her any presents now. That of course isn't true but I wasn't able to convince her until I told her that I also wrote about me doing the same thing when I was little. It was bedtime so I lay down with her until she fell asleep because I wanted her to feel the love and acceptance that comes not with doing the right thing but comes despite doing the wrong thing. I needed tape to fix her rip in the Christmas package but I needed love to fix the rip I made in her.

One thing Jess shared about herself but I haven't yet about myself is how I became a Christian. We both became Christians at almost the same time about a year before we met. Is it an amazing tale that I will let you decide if it was a string of coincidences or if it was planned by God. That story will begin tomorrow.

Opening a Christmas Present Early

The presents are wrapped and under the tree. I think it took Jadyn less than five minutes to "accidentally" rip one of her present, but according to her own eyewitness account she didn't see what it was. My parent always threatened to take my presents back when my curiosity got the best of me and I peaked. I didn't do that, but I'm a little sad for her that it will no longer be a surprise for her.

After I posted yesterday, I thought about Jessica's first two cars. Her first one was an Audi and a present from her dad. She drove it back from her dad's in Oregon to her mom's in Texas. Unfortunately, that was the last time she drove it because it died after making the trip. Then she bought a red Pontiac. Soon she was driving with the heater on during the summer because it was the only way to prevent it from overheating. Finally, I went with her to buy a Mitsubishi Mirage which has been a great car.

Funny Car

Katelyn and I had a car conversation tonight. Being sixteen may be two years away but she has getting a car on the brain. I thought it was pretty funny because she told me that she wanted a Mustang GT with a GPS. It has to have a GPS she said because she has no sense of direction. Then we talked about how much that would cost. Apparently she she had already seen one with her cousin for about $11,000. She pretty much had no idea how much that was because she thought she could convince eleven people to give her $100. When I told her that would be $1100, she said they could just donate $200 then. That lets me know two things: 1. she thinks she's pretty persuasive and 2. she has no math skills. We'll see where she is in two years but
I think she may be driving a rusty used school bus.

Today is also one month removed from Jess passing away. I am taking advice from the wise and taking the girls' presents over to someone's house to have them wrapped. The bonus is hanging out with a godly couple who are both great friends. If I have to wrap any presents after this (even with double sided tape), the great thing is no one will have to wonder who they are from.

The Start of Christmas

Today was a good day just for making it through it. For Jess, Christmas always started the day after Thanksgiving. Today was the day I would normally take all the Christmas stuff down from the attic with Katelyn. Then Jess would spend several hours doing the tree. Often she would ask me to help with the tree which I would gladly do. Then she would redo all my branches to make sure they were spread out and rehang all the ornaments I had put up to make sure they were placed in the best possible spot. Well, I was really, really dreading today as everything about today reminds me of Jess. Katelyn was off at the movies with friends, but the Christmas stuff is stored in the shed now so no problems getting it out. Jadyn and Bryn had a wonderful time decorating the tree and putting out Christmas stuff. Other than feeling a little nauseous as I put up the tree (no, I'm not making this up) it really turned into a pretty decent day. Usually when it comes to a day like this I depend on my friends to help me get through it, but for the first time I did pretty good on my own with the Yikes. I even went Christmas shopping late tonight. I do still have one problem. Thanks to gift bags I no longer feel embarrassed when presenting a poorly wrapped present for a birthday gift. However, with Christmas presents gift bags are not going to be the solution for my awful wrapping skills. I know with certainty that if I put gift bags under the tree my kiddos will know what their presents are before Christmas comes. Right now I can think of only two solutions: put an alarm on each present to deter peeking or be OK with my kids' presents looking deformed like Quasimodo.

Happy Thanksgiving

My Thanksgiving began when Bryn crawled into bed with me early this morning. That's not an unusual way to start my day. However, then she said "my stomach hurts." Then I found out why as she began to throw up everywhere. It could have been a bad day. After all Thanksgiving is just as much about eating as it is giving thanks. However, Jadyn and Katelyn had a great time celebrating Thanksgiving with our family at large and I had a nice time with Bryn at home. The best part of my day was doing thank you cards with her. She helped put the postage stamps on and handed me envelopes so I could stamp with our address stamp. Jessica's dad came by later to drop off traditional Thanksgiving stuff for Bryn and I which I ate and Bryn slept instead. This Thanksgiving may not have been about eating for Bryn and I but it's pretty cool that ended up being a day of giving thanks.

One year Jess and I handed out Thanksgiving dinners at Mission Arlington (a place for the down-and-out for those of you not from here). It was a lot of fun because it involved our whole family got to do it.

The Secret in the Closet

I found out today that the reason Katelyn's room was clean was that her closet was not. Her closet wasn't so much a storage area as a secret overflow for clutter. It's 10:45 and she's still cleaning it. On the plus side Katelyn has discovered she has thirteen pair of jeans.

I am looking forward to being with family tomorrow. I don't think it will feel exactly like Thanksgiving has in the past, but as a friend of mine said we are going to be living in a "new normal."

Girl Names

It was hard for today not to be a great day for the girls. To start with Jadyn and Bryn's classes gave them each a Build-a-Bear with a message said by all the other students in their classes along with a gift basket for our whole family. This time both Bryn and Jadyn had a great time in after school care. Then one of their great friends got to come home with them for a little bit to play. Katelyn got "kidnapped" by one of her friends to go spend the night. Actually Katelyn asked first, but I cracked up when her friend Kim actually played the outlaw when she showed up at our house complete with bandana. As for me I felt good this week in class-- I definitely felt more like a teacher whereas last week I felt like a lot of the time I was just going through the motions. I love teaching and I am so glad when my kids can get the best me-- not the one who is thinking of a zillion other things instead of focusing on them.

One of the years I taught preschool-- I had a cute girl named Jadyn in my class. Years later when it came time to name our second girl, Jess loved the idea of naming her with an uncommon name that I had a great association with and Jadyn seemed a great fit. All that was missing was a middle name, and we let Katelyn pick it out: she picked "Rose" and we both thought "Jadyn Rose" was a delightful combination. We now had a precedent of "yn" at the end of our girl names, but luckily Jess had a fabulous eleventh grader named "Bryn' the year before. "Isabell" for a middle name was harder for us to find but once we heard "Bryn Isabell" we were set.

First Day in After School Care

Sorry I forgot to hit "publish post" before going to bed last night, so the post before this one is really from yesterday.

Today was the first day for Bryn and Jadyn to go to after-school care. Bryn really liked it. Jadyn said she did at first, but then she didn't like it. She asked me if she could stop going, but my thought is it was just the first day and Jadyn takes awhile to warm up to new things. She, like me, also wears her emotions on her sleeve, so while she was upset about going today it might go great tomorrow.

I am looking forward to the break after tomorrow. I plan to spend it with friends and family and perhaps take the Yikes to the zoo one day. Katelyn is planning to go with her friends to see Twilight tomorrow night. She is actually almost done with the book even though she just started reading it. I may be the only guy ever to read the series but it's cool now that Katelyn and I have one more thing to talk about now. It's good because there was no way I was going to read the other girly stuff she reads but werewolves and vampires I can handle.

Jess was an avid reader. The last book we read together was the Last Lecture. It was pretty cool because we alternated chapters with her reading most of it while
I would drive her to doctor appointments. I think in a way this blog has become a Last Lecture for us: we have written it for other people but eventually our kids will be able to read it and know their mom in a way they couldn't have know her before. They will learn about the impact she had and how many people loved her.

Importance of Family

The nice thing about going to a Lake house in the middle of November is that it's nice and peaceful. That's not the first thought I had though; my first thought was this would probably be more fun in the summer. The truth is that I think my whole family needed just what this weekend provided: time away from the rest of the world. I also think it's really cool that everyone is totally comfortable with talking about Jess-- I think the part of her that everyone misses the most is how she was a good friend to us.

Possum Kingdom

Bryn cried three quarters of a soccer game but played a fine job of goalie in the fourth. The most impressive thing to me was the other parents that tried to comfort her. It was a bitterly cold day more suited for football games and hot chocolate.
We are out in Possum Kingdom tonight (for those of you not in Texas I am not making this town's name up) hanging out with our extended family. It's too cold to go out on the lake but nevertheless its been great hanging out with family. . The most exciting thing for the girls has been the deer that let yopu come so clode you can almost touch them.

First Date

Katelyn went on her first date tonight. Even though they went with a group of friends I was still a little bit nervous but I also felt proud of her for saying "yes" to the right guy. I and my shot-gun cleaning buddies will still need to get to know him better, but he has done the right thing by being a good friend to her first.

I feel like "Missing You" by Hawk Nelson was written about Jessica after listening to it. Thanks Taylor for telling me about it. I once put a CD together for Jessica with songs that reminded me of her. A song on that CD became a favorite of ours: "We Belong Together (Tarzan and Jane)" by Stephen Curtis Chapman.

Days are still going great: God has put so many wonderful people in my life that are fun to be with that I find myself smiling and laughing all the time. Nights are still horrible: I'm sleeping 4-6 hours a night. Bryn has had nightmares the last few nights. Her favorite thing to do now before she goes to bed is for me to give her two choices to dream about. Last night I told her to dream about unicorns or playing soccer. Tonight I told her to pick eating ice cream or playing soccer. She pointed out that playing soccer was a repeat from the night before so she made me suggest something else.

I am honored to have you read our blog tonight. Please pray for us but pray for my girls first.

An Early Thanksgiving Feast

When I let Jadyn read the blog comments tonight, she told me that the reason that people left comments is that they found out how sweet she was because I wrote about her. Then she said in a super excited voice, "Why don't you write about Bryn!" I think that's so sweet because I don't think she realizes that I write about the Yikes and Katelyn all the time.

I'm still not sleeping well at night but I slept soundly enough in the early morning to be surprised when I woke up. I found Bryn curled up with me. She had come into my room after she had experienced some bad dreams.

Today was the one day in a year I eat from the school cafeteria. The week before Thanksgiving the cafeteria always serves up turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, etc. I usually eat with my teacher friends but today I ate with some of my students. The only bad thing was that they were too good at conversation: it was time to go before I finished my food.

One of the things Jess and I liked to do together in North Richland Hills was ride our bikes. There are lots of bike paths there-- unlike here in Arlington. I think my favorite bike ride is when we rode all the way to where she was teaching at Richland High School.

Taking Breaths

Jadyn was super excited about the comments left for her and amazed by the rose made with keyboard keys.

Days of the week don't normally matter to me, but it mattered today. Jess passed away on Wednesday three weeks ago. Aunt Jaque keeps telling me something that seems simple, but it helps: breathe. Every time she does I find myself letting go of the breath I'm holding and then moving forward.

When we lived in an apartment, we lived upstairs from the Taylors. What makes that remarkable was that the wife's name was Jessica but no the husband's first name wasn't Jacob. We actually got to know them pretty well because we were constantly getting her mail addressed to Jessica Taylor and they got my Jessica's.

A Warm Welcome Back

Yesterday I got a hero's welcome on my first day back at Young Junior High. It felt really good to be missed so much by teachers, staff, and students. I even got a welcome back song sung to me by one of the math teachers (thanks Nancy). I am definitely not "back in the swing of things," but it feels great to know that I will be supported and loved while I get there.

Before Jadyn came went to bed tonight she said she wanted me to mention her on the blog. I guess I never thought about it before but she has tons of people telling her that they read something about her on the blog. She has been both super sweet lately and super sensitive, so please continue to pray for her.

Jessica's favorite video game was Ms. Pacman. She never quite understood why I would want to spend lots of time playing a video or computer game, but she definitely had a weakness for Ms. Pacman. I'm not sure why really since she didn't even really like the regular Pacman. She also pointed out something to me about the ghosts that I never noticed. First of all she knew all their names (why not just call them things like the blue guy?) but more importantly she recognized that each one had different tendencies and speeds. I eventually bought one of those plug and play units for the tv that had Ms. Pacman and some other classics on it. She especially liked challenging me to play her; I think mostly because she won most of the time.

Pick a Side

One of the things that has really helped me is going to Gilda's Club. There are lots of several groups at Gilda's Club but the one I have been going to for friends and family members of someone with cancer. There is nothing magical about it: it's just a group of people talking about our struggles and triumphs, but on the other hand having a group of people that share in your griefs and achievements just as they are going through the same thing is exactly what make it so special. The people in the group and I share a special bond and the coordinator for the group, Ellie, is phenomenal. When I lost Jess I didn't know I could still go to the group since there is a different group for those that have lost a friend or family member to cancer. I recently talked to Ellie on the phone and she let me know that I was more than welcome to still go to the same group. I don't know how more times I will go, but I felt it was really important that I go tonight. I was so glad I did-- seeing this remarkable bunch of people was exactly what I needed tonight.

I come from a family of very little sides. Whenever my mom would make a meal, there sometimes might be a side of vegetables but most of the time it was just the main dish. However, whenever I made the main dish, Jess always wanted to add a side. Even though she began preparing these herself it was still annoying; "Why do we need a side I thought?" However, I came to realize that it was her way of coming along beside me and adding value to our meal. I have trouble letting go of doing things that I do my way when it is good, but when it became our way it became better.

Be Still

We went to church in the morning and Sunday school. It wasn't the subject of the sermon but God definitely wanted me to pay attention to Psalm 46:10 which is "Be Still and Know that I am God." Lately my mind has not been still-- especially at night when it takes a long time for it to slow down enough for me to go to sleep. Practically, being still for me means letting myself relax and not trying to fill up down time. After church Jadyn had her last soccer game followed by her end of the year soccer party. The families of the girls on her team have become very much my family. Not only are they fun people to be around they have been a tremendous support to us. We finished the night at a friend's house where we have been studying The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel which is a terrific book. We got through a busy weekend and had fun but I'm looking forward to a calmer one. I go back to work tomorrow which I am a bit nervous about since I haven't been there in a while, but luckily I have awesome students that I get along great with.

I have a silly memory tonight about Jess. I have no idea why I did this other than to be goofy but one time I put my mouth over her eye and created suction on it. "Stop," she said, "You're going to get my eye infected." "No," I said "you can't get an infection from sucking someone's eye." Just in case you were thinking about sucking someone's eye in the future, don't because Jess was right.

Busy Like a Bee

Today Katelyn had a basketball tournament in the morning and a dance and a sleep-over tonight, Bryn had a soccer game and an end of the season soccer party, the Yikes had a skating birthday party, and I had an indoor soccer game. I got Katelyn and her friend Kim off to the basketball tournament this morning, but Bryn had a major melt-down. We couldn't find the soccer shorts that went with her uniform and she didn't want to wear any other shorts. Her melt-downs are not explosive: she simply stops talking and refuses to move. She very much reminds me of a stubborn turtle that has retreated inside her shell. The rest of the day went well though except for my soccer game. Our goalkeeper from last season can't play this season so I played keeper. I actually really enjoyed playing it because its an exciting position but I got scored on a lot and we lost. All and all it was a good day but we have another busy day tomorrow.

When Jess and I first got married we went out to eat a lot but when it came to eating at home I did the cooking. I think she would have picked up on it faster but I don't always measure or set timers to see how long things take to cook. Even if it was something simple like spaghetti Jess would want to know how long to put the noodles in for and I would try to tell her what they look like when they're done. However, she learned to cook when she started to stay home when Jadyn was born. Her exact measurements and timings lead to her being a better cook than I was. She loved trying out new recipes and rarely made the same thing twice. I think the only thing I've ever made only once was alphabet salad that my sister Sarah and I attempted to make when we were kids. We tried to find a food item for every letter of the alphabet and mixed it all together. Needless to say we would have been better off if we had limited it to less letters.

Start of a Busy Weekend

Today was my last day off work and the start to a busy weekend. Lots of stuff is going on plus end of the year soccer parties. Tonight Katelyn went to a basketball tournament, Bryn went with a friend to McDonald's, and I took Jadyn out to Cracker Barrel. I signed up Jadyn and Bryn to do after school care starting the week of Thanksgiving. I took them by earlier this week to make sure they were comfortable going and felt like they would have fun there. Jadyn was Ms. Popularity already when we stopped by and Bryn I'm sure will make a friend or two quickly.

I saw the new Cowboy stadium while driving around and it made me think of memory of Jess and I. Sometimes when we would go out on a date we would just randomly drive around until we found something. This one night we drove by the stadium only to see it moments later again. I tried getting on another road but there are a bazillion different roads that go by the stadium and somehow I kept getting on the wrong ones. We ended up just going home but we laughed quite a bit at the stadium that kept looming up in the front windshield.

Jessica's Video from the Funeral (thank you Mandy)

Foreign Languages

Bryn came in just a second ago and asked to go to bed. It's the Yikes bedtime but I was starting to get worried until I told Jadyn it was time for bed. She responded with "But daddy!" so I think the kids must be alright after all. They should be worn out though because I took them to a park for about two hours tonight. My friend Kyle lost his first wife right before Jessica was diagnosed. Tonight our two families got together for pizza and playing in the park. His two daughters are the same age as Jadyn and Bryn but I wasn't sure if they would play well together (they've met before but it's been a long time). One of his daughters asked my girls right away when their mom died. I don't think I would have handled a question that fast well, but for my girls I think it was a good connecting point and they shared right away. We all had a great time together.

One of the books that changed Jess and my marriage was The Five Love Languages. There are five specific ways to love people but everyone has a favorite. Jessica's favorite was what the author calls "Words of Affirmation" but he could have more simply said compliments. Mine is "Acts of Service" which is doing nice stuff for someone. We found out it's not enough to "do onto others as you would do onto yourself;" instead it's better to put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to "speak" their love language. By the way it also made a difference in how we love our kids.

Lots of Fews

Jadyn invented a new word: fews. It means a lot of something which is exactly what you would have if you had the plural of a few of something. I have been asking God for help in a few things. My thinking was that God can help me provide for my girls. I had it flipped though because it is God is providing for my girls and I am only helping. There is no other way to explain the outpouring of love that has been show us. OK there are other explanations but they would just been plain wrong.

Speaking of turning a few into fews, this weekend over 3500 people raised 8 million dollars towards reaching a cure for cancer.

Tonight I thought I'd share a story from my childhood that brought me the same feeling as I'm feeling right now. Christmas was approaching and we were traveling on the road. The main thought on my mind was "How is Santa going to get into the roof of our VW bus to give us presents?" I also remember my sister and I being cold and hungry so I'm sure our parents were too. On Christmas Eve my dad stopped at a motel to ask if we could use a shower there. I can't remember if the manager did or not. What I do remember is him inviting us to join his family for Christmas Eve dinner. I remember feeling warm and full. He even let us play some of the video games in the lobby for free. Christmas did come the next day (I suppose Santa made it up the exhaust pipe) but truly we had gotten to open up a present early.

Half Full

On the way to a friends' house tonight-- Jadyn looked over at the fuel gauge and in the mathematical way she has (which is foreign to me) said that the gauge was half-full. Actually she said, "Wow, dad you you're fuel is half full. That's great right dad?" She's going to grow up to be an awful lot like her momma.

I hadn't realized until today that Natalie had posted about Jess on Nov. 2nd on her blog it's: http://www.daviddickeyfamily.blogspot.com/

I am going back to work next week. Originally, I was thinking about this week but things have been harder than expected in some ways. Several people have made the comment that I have been feeling: life keeps moving. I still have a few things to get done this week (like take Jessa's will to a lawyer), but I am also figuring out how to be a single parent too. I know my kids miss me at school (I miss them too), but they are in great hands right now and I will be better equipped emotionally next week to teach.

A big thank you to the many people who have sent cards, done laundry, given money, brought meals, prayed for us, and have supported our family. Please also continue to think of and pray for our extended family: the Mcnutts, Moodys, etc.

Jess frequently tried to make her English class fun. She had no problem with using crayons, scissors, and paper to make things like red As for the Scarlet Letter. In particular I remember her spending hours trying to find the perfect song to tie in to her English lessons. I remember one time she couldn't decide which version of a song to choose so bought all three.

The Sunday Evening Post

I thought I would post early tonight as I have a moment despite the girls being still awake. Our family really enjoyed church today. I'm going to put this in my own words but what my sister Sarah got out of the message was that in order to truly tolerate someone you have to love them completely even though you know they've done things that are simply not right. I think she and I know each other's faults really well but we were still able to reach over and give each other a big hug because we love each other too. I am so glad she was able to stay longer with my nieces Elizabeth and Vanessa and my mom. Today they all left back to go back to Virginia (my sis) and Maryland (my mom).

Today Bryn cracked my up when she named one of her stickers. It wouldn't stick so she called it Stickless the stickless sticker.


I think one of the greatest things Jess taught me was selflessness. The first year we were married if I was thirsty I got a drink of water for myself. Jess would ask me in a voice cracking from lack of water (not really) if I wanted to ask if anyone else wanted a drink. I'm a slow learner so it took me awhile to realize the answer to that question was not "no."

50 Reasons

Last week neither of the Yikes played soccer because of the funeral. Jadyn's game was at the exact time as the funeral so one of the team moms called and canceled it. It turned out that several families from the other team were going too. Today though I had fun coaching Jadyn and her team. My team just started passing a few games ago and Jadyn is coming into her own as a defender. The coolest thing though happened after the game: the other team (a different one than the the one we would have played last week) gave me a card that they had all signed.

Today was the last day of the Three Day walk for the cure. One of Jessa's favorite memories was going to cheer on the participants last year. It is a truly special event.

I just now read Tessa's blog post on Jess. I know many of you have already read it but if you haven't its the November 4th post at http://litamamadrama.blogspot.com/ Also, today Tessa and I received a $450 check from Al Clark to go to Weekend Backpacks in honor of Jessica.

One of the neatest things Jess did for me the first year we were married was to write down on paper 50 reasons why she loved me. She said it was hard at first to come up with reasons but then she got in the flow and she came up with 56. I would say our first year of marriage was the toughest. We were both fiercely independent and naively thought that letting the other person have their way meant giving up and losing a battle. It was during those times I pulled out my list from Jessica and perhaps she pulled out mine because I made a list for her too.

Courageous Kara

Kara came over today to drop off some presents for us and I got to hear the whole story behind her speaking at Jessa's funeral. Kara had told Jess earlier that God had called her to speak to women but she was unsure if she would be good at it. The funny thing is I didn't know Jess wanted Kara to speak until a couple of days before the funeral. She had told Aunt Sandy who later remembered to tell me. I remember that Jess was scared to death to speak a part in the Christmas play at church. She didn't think she could do it but ended up doing a marvelous job. Now it was Jessa's turn to encourage Kara to speak-- even as she lay dying and could no longer speak. Speaking at Jessa's funeral provided the spark Kara needed; I'm super excited for her because she is now going to speak at a woman's function in December.


Here's what Kara said:
1 John 3:16 says “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ lay down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.”



I remember when Derrick and I were new to Lake Arlington, I kept hearing about this couple “the Kaylor’s”. I heard about how neat of a couple they were. I heard how they taught preschool Sunday school, and had started out with their Sunday school kids when they were babies and moved up with them each year. I had a 2 year old and a baby then. That was pretty impressive to me. It sounded to me that they were not just laying down their lives for those preschoolers, they were risking their lives.



I wanted to meet these “Kaylor’s”. Derrick and I signed up to help watch the preschoolers during worship. As God would have it, the class we helped in was the Kaylor’s class. I remember meeting Jake then as we would switch responsibility for those preschoolers and wondering where was this Jessica.



One day I was walking down the hallway, and I saw this beautiful woman with a maternity sweater I was quite familiar with. I had that very same black and red striped sweater from my favorite store, Target. Jess, who was pregnant with Bryn, was wearing that striped sweater. I knew then that any woman who fancied Target would be a friend of mine.



Shortly after, I officially met Jess at the baby shower that our Sunday school class had for her, myself, and one other new mom. I cannot recall from there a time that I did not know or love Jess.



I could go for days listing all the things I love about Jess. She embodied an extraordinary faith, bold courage, confident hope, supernatural patience, and perfect peace. What I admire most is out of a heart surrendered to her Savior, she served.



I remember one of our Wednesday lunches at ChickfilA after BSF. Jess and Bryn had been invited to a friend’s house to see her new furniture. Bryn apparently wasn’t as excited about the new furniture as the rest of us were, she just wanted to spend some time with her mom. Jess politely said that she and Bryn were going to go home so they could rest together but that she’d love to come over and see the furniture another time.



I remember thinking it seemed so simple, but was such a selfless act of love. For Jess, thinking of others above herself was the norm, not an accomplishment.



One of my favorite Bible stories is in John 13. “It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love…so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.”



What I love about this story is that Jesus knew his time on earth was short. The cross was before Him. Jesus loved his own so very much. He was thinking of them, not what tomorrow held for Him. Jesus showed them the full extent of his love. How? Washing their feet. The King of Kings washed the disciples dirt-stained, calloused, wayward feet. This was not the job of the Master, it was the job of the slave. It was an act of humble service. It met a need. It had nothing to do with Him. It had all to do with them.



As Jesus served, Jess served. She did the not so glamorous job of changing diapers as a preschool Sunday school teacher. That is humble service.



She spend countless hours organizing, packing food, and delivering backpacks to schools for kids whose families struggled to provide food. It met an amazing need.



This past summer, Jake wheeled her upstairs into room 221 to help with purple crafts at VBS. It wasn’t about her comfort or ease. It was all about the kids that came to do cool crafts and hear about Jesus.



Tuesday mornings this Fall a group of us has met at Jess’ house for Bible study. During a visit with Jess while she was in the hospital, she asked me if we had met at her house for Bible study that week. I said no, we had decided not to. She went on to say that we should have gone ahead and met. One of the girls had a key and she could let us in. The following Tuesday, though Jess rested at the hospital, we received once again, the gift of her selflessness as we met in her home for our weekly Bible study. Even after Jess came home for those final days of her time here with us, she extended the invitation for Bible study at her house.



Doesn’t that sound just like Jess? Always thinking of others more than herself. It is also just like Jesus.



Like Jesus, Jess’ time on earth was short. How pleased our servant Jesus is with His servant Jess. She lived showing the full extent of her love. She served, having nothing to do with herself, but all to do with everyone else. Listen, can you hear the Master say, “Well done, Jess, my good and faithful servant.”

Note Writing

Jadyn and I have started writing notes. Unlike Katelyn and Bryn she hasn't said anything about missing her mommy. In fact she has been completely close-mouthed about her feelings. Jadyn has just started reading so she was super excited when I wrote her a question asking how she was feeling. She wrote down a response super quick and couldn't wait to show me. I am so glad she has decided to open up and "talk" about what I knew she was feeling. It's the same with God and me, He already knows what I'm feeling but it's not so much a fact gathering mission-- its about strengthening our relationship. It's my prayer that I will be able to continue reaching all of my girls so that we grow closer together.

Jadyn has a favorite balloon from her birthday. It's pretty big, has a pink boa around its border, and says "Happy Birthday" in big letters. Today Jadyn called it her Happy Balloon-- which I thought was too cute.

The first purchase Jess and I made together was a leather couch. We went to Rent-a-Own store not to rent a new one, but to purchase one that someone had used and then returned. They had a pretty good price already on the couch (which isn't surprising considering the quality of stuff at places like that) but Jess and I haggled over the price with the sales man. We didn't like the price so we came back later and haggled but left because we still thought it be cheaper. Finally he ended up selling it to us for $135. Even though it wasn't a great couch, it was special because we bought it together. I also have a favorite memory of Katelyn on that couch. She would stand on one end of the couch and then totally without fear and hands by her sides would fall face first into the couch. She would laugh and then do it again and again.

From Box to Albums

I and a few friends sorted photos today. We don't have photo albums we just have a box of photos. It's really important to me that Katelyn remember and the Yikes know how Jessica was before cancer. That urge is what lead me to sort pictures to be put in albums. It was actually pretty cool because it ended up reminding me of a lot of memories of Jess and the girls. I also got to spend a lot of time with my sister Sarah and her girls, Vanessa and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is just a baby and so she has been fine with me holding her; however, today was the first day that two year old Vanessa truly felt comfortable around me. I have really enjoyed getting to know her.

When Jess and I got married we moved into a two bedroom apartment in North Richland Hills. Jess had gotten a job teaching at Richland High School and it was only about an hour away from the University of North Texas where I had just enrolled to get a Masters in Secondary Education. The first thing I learned about married life is that my guy stuff was not going to have any part in the decoration of our apartment. The only thing Jess let me hang up was a drawing of a duck. It was a gift from one of the campers that I had a counselor at a camp during one of my summers off from college. His mom had drawn it herself and they had made a special trip out to the camp just to present it to me. The truth is though Jess only let me hang it up in the closet. The difference between a bachelor apartment and a married couple apartment is that the bachelor one is just a place to stay while the married one is a home. Jess had a knack for making our place a home.

Jadyn with Bryn and friend Evelyn as Scarecrows

More Cards than Junk Mail

Today was the third day in a row that the kids and I have gotten more cards than junk mail, and we get a lot of junk mail. I very much appreciate the kindness that continues to rain down on our family.

A lot of people have been asking how we're doing. Sometimes people are just making conversation and if so the answer is we're doing OK. The real answer is that we are each hurting. Bryn is sad. She tells me that she misses mommy and wants to do the things with her that she used to do. She wants Jess to do her hair. She wants to tell her that she got to be the line leader or the caboose at school. She wants to give her pictures that she's drawn. Jadyn is mad. She gives up on games if she's not winning. She slams doors. She says she won't do things like cleaning her room. Katelyn and I are in a similar state. One minute we're seemingly doing well and the next we're walking around in a daze. Like me she has been forgetful. Today she told me that a friend of hers came by while I coached Jadyn at soccer practice, but I was here. I signed our family up for the Warm Place which provides grief support for families. Apparently it takes kids two months before they are able to process things, so we have an introductory meeting in late January.

Originally Jess and I had planned to leave for our Honeymoon right after the wedding. However, we had to take care of my Eclipse first by having it towed to a repair shop. Then we drove the new, but now battered Mirage to San Antonio. If you're wondering why we drove Mitsubishi cars its because I was a nanny that year for a guy that was a manager at a Mitsubishi dealership. Anyway, that year ice storms hit and while it slowed us down many of our family that drove had trouble getting back home.

Other People Said it Better

Right before the wedding Melody, the singer we had lined up, got a sore throat and couldn't sing as loud as she needed too. It turned out even better because to make up the volume she got her daughter to sing with her. Check out her daughter's blog and her post on October 30th: http://gloriousgrace.blogspot.com/


Jess was a member of the Young Survivor's Coalition and went to one of their annual conferences. Because of the incredible women she met there, it was an life-changing experience for her. On their site they have a Remembrance board. Important: click on the topic Remembrance Board and then on Jessica Kaylor http://www.youngsurvival.org/bulletin-board/



This is what our dear friend Shannon said at the memorial Service:

Isaiah says “Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord we have an everlasting Rock (25:4). He will swallow up death for all time, and the Lord God will wipe tears away from all faces (25:8).

I’m not sure when I first met Jessica. I know we went to church together for about 10 years. We worked on marriage retreat committee together, did Sunday school fellowships together, and hung out at church college events where both of us were serving. I had a baby shower for Bryn at my house called a “sip and see” where we sipped punch and got to see baby Bryn. We did lunch at each others’ houses, went swimming with all our kids in the summer, did a monthly Girls’ night which we dubbed “The Birthday Bunch,” and even though there were only 6 of us we figured out how to meet every month of the year anyway. We did Bible studies together and our friendship just grew. When Jess was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2005 I remember thinking that if anyone could deal with this in a godly manner it would be Jess. Several of us friends met regularly to pray for her healing, and I never would have learned so much about our God and His Word had I not walked with Jess over these last few years. Jake and Jess joined our homegroup this last year and, I had the privilege of getting an inside peek at the challenges, fears, victories, and walk of faith that they both had. It is my privilege to share with you today a little bit about my sweet friend Jessica.


When Jake asked me to speak today I began to pray. I typically have the emotional control of a broken fire hydrant, but I really want to honor Jess as her friend. Jessica would not want us to worship her today and make her seem better than she was, but because she loved Jesus so much His work in her life is what I have to tell you about. I used the letters in her name to do an acrostic and verses that I think exemplify who Jessica was.

Psalm 21 says, “For You make us joyful with gladness in Your presence. Because we trust in the Lord, and through the loving kindness of the Most High we will not be shaken.”

So J is for Joyful. Joy is not happiness based on circumstances, but it is a choice and a discipline. Jessica’s joy was based on her relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus filled her with joy that emitted a sense of peace and trust in her Savior that circumstances couldn’t touch.

I Thessalonians 5 says, “Therefore encourage one another, and build up one another, just as you are doing.”

So E is for Encourager. Jessica was genuinely interested in what was going on in my life and the lives of her family and friends. She wrote it down to pray about, prayed about it, and then checked back in to see how things were going. The last time she was in the hospital my son, Jay, was in a football accident and was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.
As I sat there in the emergency room my cell phone rang. Jess had heard that he was hurt and called to check on him and as she put it, “just to hear my voice.” That’s the kind of friend she was. There she was in the hospital with such great pain of her own and she was calling to check on me! Oh, to be that selfless! She was a great encourager.

Exodus 15 says, ”The Lord is your strength and your song, and He has become your salvation; this is our God, and we will praise Him…”

S is for Strong. When Jess found out she had cancer she did not sit back and accept defeat. She researched her disease, talked to doctors, endured many aggressive treatments, and fought as hard as is physically and spiritually possible. She continued to go to all her kids’ sporting events and school programs. She worked hard in physical therapy to be stronger to make transferring easier after her back was broken. She endured tremendous pain without grumbling. All along the way she prayed to the Lord and testified to anyone who would listen of God’s presence and enabling in her life. In the 3½ years she had cancer I never once heard her dishonor the Lord. The Lord was her strength and her song.




I Peter 1 says, “In this you greatly rejoice, that even though now for a little while if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

This S is for Suffering. Jess did suffer…as though by fire…but she didn’t use it as an excuse to complain or wallow in self-pity. Instead she used her suffering to proclaim the glory of the Lord. Did she ever question “why?” or feel pain and anger. You bet! But she never stayed there. I remember vividly one of our girls’ weekends away when we had settled into our beds in the hotel and she opened up about the storm she was in. I’m going to finish with what she wrote in her blog about that, but she said so beautifully that this whole cancer thing was a struggle for her that she didn’t understand, but she did trust God anyway. She chose to look at her suffering with an eternal perspective. She chose to trust our Sovereign God whose understanding and ways are so far beyond the comprehension of our finite minds. And she gave Him glory and honor and praise in the midst of her suffering.

Ephesians 5 says, “Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”
I is for Imitator of Christ. What does it mean to imitate Christ? Christ was a servant. He loved people without reserve, even people who were difficult to love. He forgave without conditions. He prayed to the Father for His will to be done in His life. Jessica imitated Christ. She served faithfully…in a preschool class at church, on multiple committees, and as the coordinator and originator of the weekend backpacks for kids. She loved without reserve. People were simply drawn to her and she accepted anyone and everyone...even me. She forgave without conditions, and she prayed for God’s will to be done in her life even though that included having cancer.

Deuteronomy 31 says, “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble…for the Lord your God is the One who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”

C is for Courageous. Courage is not the absence of fear but the determination to face what causes fear. There was fear of the unknown, fear of pain, fear of leaving the ones she loved so much, fear of being forgotten. But Jess knew that she was not walking this path alone. She knew that Jesus would never fail her or forsake her. So she faced those fears and others by calling on the name of the Lord, by seeking His face, by reading His Word, and by trusting in Him. For the last few summers we have done a Bible study at my house. This year she had Jake bring her even in her wheelchair. As the summer went on she began letting friends come get her and bring her.
It took lots of courage to let friends roll her up and down the steps and get her in and out of the car, but she came and shared what God was teaching her because she was courageous.

Psalm 91 says, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. He has said to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.”

A is for Abiding. Abiding means to stand fast, to wait, or to submit to someone. Jessica did all three of those things. She chose to stand fast in her faith in God’s purpose for her life. She chose to wait on Him for strength, answers, direction and peace. I remember when she didn’t have peace about her illness. She shared with me that as she prayed peace truly came from God straight to her heart. And she chose to submit to God’s plan for her life. And now, after abiding with the Lord here for 33 years, Jess is abiding with Him in heaven and I am sure that He said to her, “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Welcome home.”

God promises in Psalm 112 that “The righteous will be remembered forever (v. 6).” I know Jessica will be remembered by each one of us as a godly woman, a faithful wife, a devoted and loving mother, and a friend who has changed my life forever. I want to end with Jessica’s own words from her blog on January 30, 2008…

Star Telegram URLs

We didn't do a lot today-- mostly hung out with our family that is still in town, which was perfect for today. All three girls go back to school tomorrow while I am not going back to work yet this week.

I wanted to share with you Jessa's obituary and an article about her both of which were in the Star Telegram. Here's Jessa's obituary: http://www.legacy.com/DFW/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=119551141
Here's the article about Jess: http://www.star-telegram.com/obituaries/story/1011883.html

On our wedding day Jess and I had an amazing mother and daughter sing songs that were precious to us. One of our family members told us one of them had posted on our blog, but I couldn't find it. Perhaps they said something on their own blog? Please post a comment if you know more about it. I did find in rereading comments over the past several days a new comment about Barbara (our minister who did our wedding). I was saddened to learn that Barbara had passed away from cancer-- I also thought that she and Jess shared the same heart for other people despite their own suffering.

Oops, I originally repeated the same story the first time I posted this. Here's a new one. Right before our wedding started, one of my groom's men said something I didn't expect to hear. We had just been told it was our time to make our entrance, when he said, "I have to go to the bathroom." When I asked him if it could wait, he told me that he was really nervous and now he had diarrhea-- and no he wasn't joking. Thankfully the music at our wedding was really good because those in attendance got to hear about ten more minutes of it covering for him.

All Saints Day

Today is All Saints Day a day that honors saints both known and unknown. Considering the life Jess led I thought it was appropriate that she was buried today.

Eric, Jason, and Carla did an amazing job today. They did a fantastic job at the graveside service and at the memorial service as well. Combined with testimonies by Bob, Kara, Shannon, and Sandy I feel like they perfectly captured Jess and her purpose here on earth. If I were to sum up Jessa's life I would say what they said: she put others first, she was special because of God, and as a result God no doubt has told her, "Well done good and faithful servant."

Today was also a hard day. About half-way through the graveside service, Bryn asked, "Is mom in there?" Jadyn was ready for the memorial service to be over long before it was. Katelyn was amazing though. At one point Jadyn told me not to put my arm around Katelyn anymore. When I said something about me wanting to keep it there, Katelyn said she thought Jadyn wanted me to put my arm around her instead and that it was OK with her. It was what Jadyn wanted. Bryn also at one point took her stuffed lamb over to a crying Ella.

After everything was done, we went over to Jessa's grandmother's house. It was pretty amazing because there was so much family there because there were a lot of family there besides the McNutts: mostly the Kaylors and Moodys. Family is so important to me. Aunt Diane already has a aunt-niece play date with Jadyn: I think they came up with about thirty things to do.

On the way to our wedding, Jess rear-ended the car in front of her. When they saw the wedding dress in the passenger seat, they apologized to Jess-- never mind that she had hit them! Fortunately the car was drive-able because if it hadn't been we wouldn't have made it to San Antonio for our honeymoon. As it was, we had to have my car towed to the shop before we left. Tomorrow I will tell you what happened to one of my groom's men the day of the wedding.